Rants and Musings

I still haven't cut my damn hair. It's annoying the piss out of me, but I can't seem to manage to do it. Nothing new, but still... it makes me sad. It was never much of an effort, in the past.

I guess we give up what we must, in order to do what we must.


I'll cut it eventually... on a better day.

I've been here, online, for hours now... doing what I do.... surfing, reading, following my racing mind wherever it takes me. I've always liked "adventure".

Thought about an old girlfriend of mine, last night. It occured to me, that I have no clue what she ate for lunch, back then... in High School. It just hit me as sort of funny, that as close as we were, we didn't know one another very well. It was an odd affair, that one... went on for years, behind a lot of closed doors. I'm pretty sure though, that it was the only time I've ever really been "in love" with someone... pretty sure that it was the only time I was capable of it... and I'm pretty sure, it ruined me. That's what being in love does... scars you, if things don't pan out.

I often obsess. It's generally harmless. I think about people I was once close with, or want to be close to, or places I once lived or played... ride the emotional wave... enjoy the pain of loss... the feeling of being alive... of having actually LIVED. I've done a lot in my life... many things which few others have done... and I have the scars to prove it.

What did I do today...? I LIVED. I didn't go through the motions. I FELT things, and thought about things, and faced things, and didn't hide from any of it. Life isn't about shutting down and going to work and ignorantly watching the latest Reality TV show... not for me. For me? Life is about BEING. It's about not having to hide from myself. It's about doing whatever it takes to get to the next GENUINE smile. It's about not selling my soul. It's about giving up the million dollar home for a beer, a smoke, and a good fuck. It's about giving up the dna carriers for a few tattoos, an intimate understanding of the gutter, and a few thousand pages of memoirs. It's about giving up the trophy-partner, so that I could actually come with each one of the 57 different people I had sex with, without having to fake it even once, and without having to lie about it later.

I really don't give a damn that I didn't shave my head today, like I'd wanted to last night. I have the freedom to just do it later... or not.

I like my scars. They add character.

It'd be easy to fall back into the delusion... easy to just stop thinking... just fall... pretend like it isn't happening.

I could just lie... MS? What's that?

It's reality though... and it's kicking my ass. No sense in letting it kick everyone else's ass too though. I'll stick to my computer games and television. I don't have to lie. I just have to shut the fuck up.

My brain is racing... and racing and racing and racing...

obsessing?

I had to skip on the Inderal last night... maybe that's the problem.

I'm all over the place though.


Have I ever mentioned that I REALLY love raw Quahogs?

I didn't think so.

I took a walk today. I washed my sheets too. I also took a shower, and made coffee, and took a zillion online tests, and...


I shouldn't be doing this. Attempting to blog, when I'm like this, is dangerous. Actually, being online at all, when I'm like this, is dangerous.

Brain cells, firing away... out into the universe... unrestrained...

better watch out.

It's cold.

I suppose that it's just that time of year, again. Time to get out the coats and blankets. This year will be better, for me, than the last few. This year, I can actually use my heat. The rent here may be twice what my rent in PA was, but here, the electric is included. This is a very VERY awesome thing.

I'm only half awake. I've been sort of muddy for the last couple of days. I'm assuming that it has to do with the change in the weather. I go back and forth between feeling overwhelmed and feeling borderline brain dead.

I have to get back to the place where I can just be ok with doing one thing every day. Even if it's just getting a shower, or doing my dishes, it's something. It's tough to hang onto that, though. Most days, "I got a shower, did my dishes, and took the trash out" just doesn't cut it. See, things like that don't really get you anywhere. All they do are sustain... and what keeps a person like me from opting out of life is the feeling that, perhaps, they're getting, or going, somewhere. Progress. There's a big difference between progressing and just being. Then... perhaps all "being" is, is progressing towards death.

Maybe that's why video games are so popular with my generation. They make us feel like we're getting somewhere... accomplishing something. There's a "holy grail"... a "high score"... there are levels... a "quest". ...and all from the comfort of the living room, or bedroom. Shoot, we can even "get the girl", in the end. Makes you wonder though, what is it doing to the "evolution" of the brain? ...the brain of a warrior, in the body of a slug. No real anything to do battle with. No real use for a body. Perhaps, that's why our bodies are breaking down. Maybe that's why we're attacking our own selves. Cancer, MS... it's all the same. Our bodies just don't make sense anymore. All we are, are brains... perhaps, all we are, are Spirits. This whole "body" thing?... maybe we're just outgrowing it.

Read this, a few minutes ago:

"Three congressmen have introduced a bill requiring state and local disaster preparedness plans to include provisions for evacuating household pets and other animals. They claim that people refused to evacuate in order to stay with their dogs, cats and other critters. "I cannot help but wonder how many more people could have been saved had they been able to take their pets," said Rep. Tom Lantos, D-California."


The idiocy in this country scares me.

Yeah, save the puppies and the puppy-people. That's REAL important to focus on right now. Out of everything that went wrong, this is what people are putting their brain power into?

I agree, people should be able to bring their pets... but then what? People with allergies won't be able to get on the bus or stay at the shelters? How about we pass a law banning peanut butter in the shelters too? I know... here's a brain nugget... how about we pass a law banning all men from the shelters... you know, there were a lot of women who didn't want to risk being raped.

How about just focusing on actually getting the people out of harms way who DO want the help? Maybe, pass a law requiring all nursing homes have enough buses to move residents in the event of an emergency?

...and I watch... again... another Hurricane... more people losing because of lack of money... because of lack of interest... and leadership...

Thousands of people stuck in their cars for hours and hours... in oppressive heat... because someone didn't organize things... couldn't manage to open the other side of the highway...

They haven't even finished picking up the corpses... and there's more water on the way... more wind... more heat...

Everyone's pointing fingers... everyone is hiding... from one another... from the weather... from their television sets...

Is this the end of the world? I don't know... but I bet that there's about a thousand people that would say yes... if they were alive to say so. It was the end of their world.

...and so, I go back to my television and watch. It won't stop anything, but at least, someone might get a witness.

I'm about half way done... given, the search for staples took about a half hour. I still have boxes stacked high in my living room, waiting to be unpacked, so finding the staples wasn't easy.

The 2005 pile alone stands about 6 inches tall, and that's after having removed the excess envelopes from the mess. Bills Bills Bills. Too many housing applications. Too many receipts.

I did find some interesting things... things that perhaps I shouldn't have... but do. Stupid cunt. Maybe one day I'll mail them back. Yeah... right after I get my apology.


As you can see, there was more than one reason I put this task off for so long. ...sucks me right into the hurricane of my life...


Well... at least I found my staples.

Today, I get to go through 7 years of paperwork.

Stacks and stacks and stacks of "documents".

I figure, while my head is a little clear, I should get started.

There's another, bigger, hurricane doing the twist in the gulf.

So...

here we go...

again.

I went for a walk, a couple of hours ago. It was the first real walk I've been able to take since... I don't know when. Probably about a year ago.

I walked about 15 minutes down the road, and behold! there was the shopping center! This is way cool. As long as my legs hold up, and Nessie keeps doing her job, I can actually walk to the grocery store! Even better...!... The liquor store!!!!! WOOHOO!!! There's even a Dollar store there, and ok... this is risky, but still VERY GOOD... A SUSHI RESTAURANT. This is Cutter-Disneyland!!! Yes, I'm poor, but it sure is good to know that when I can save up a few dollars, there's somewhere to go blow it, nearby.

On crappy days, in about 5 or 10 minutes, I can make it to the "packie", as they call them here. That's where you can get alcohol, smokes, and (drumroll please...) LOTTERY TICKETS!

You know?... right now?... I think that I'm going to be ok.




(thankfully, I saved this entry. I hit "submit", the first time, and tBlog ate it. grrrrrrrrrr. This sucks, I was all happy and shit... now I'm annoyed. I really have to consider giving up on this site.)

I haven't been enjoying this blog as much as I used to. I think that it's because of all the problems with tBlog... the slow loading times, the no loading times, the fact that there are way too many drug, porn, and advertisement blogs. It frustrates me.

I don't know that there's a lot that I have to say that I haven't said before, but that's not really the point. Even if I've said something a million times, the ability to say it (or "blog" it) is one of the things in my life that I value.

The tBlog problems frustrate me... as a writer, and as a reader. I'm trying to hold on to the "they're working on fixing it" hope, but it seems like they've been working on fixing it for a really long time... and there's no place where there's any contact... no place, that I know of, where the people who run tBlog communicate with the members.

I guess that I'm just having one of those whiney mornings. I probably should've stayed in bed.

Happy Birthday to meeeeeeee
I live in a tree
I look like a monkey
If I really have to pee



Life ain't killed me yet.

Just spent another 4 hours fighting with my computer.

Stupid shit.


I hope that tomorrow is a better day.

Just spent an hour doing, what I'm sure amounts to, CPR on my modem. I have no idea what the hell was wrong with it, or how the hell I fixed it, but I seem to be online, so I guess I did something right.

There's a football game on. Patriots. I don't know if I'll ever get used to this whole living in MA thing. I know that it seems completely trivial, but watching Eagles' games was something I enjoyed. It was "turn the brain off" time for me... or at least, shift the brain to low gear.

I suppose it's all about the whole "home" thing. Settling into having Massachusetts as the place I call "home" is doing some funky shit with my head. I'm just like that... a bit of a "loyalist". Fuck, if I wasn't, I sure as shit would've left tBlog by now.

I suppose that when things go badly, I'm just more inclined to wait it out or attempt to fix it, as opposed to leaving. There are many situations in which this characteristic is a bad thing though. There are many situations in which this amounts to my being just plain stupid, rather than admirably tenacious.

See, I can't ally myself with Massachusetts... not without squashing my Philly pride, and I can't keep my Philly pride without hoping to return. That Philly pride and the hope of getting back home... it's a part of who I am. Even if it's playing the lottery and hoping to win enough money to return to Philly, either the hope is there, or it's not. Without that hope? I don't know. Without hope, I don't have much keeping me going at all.

Yes, all this over a fucking football game.

Get over it.

I don't think that I wrote a whole hell of a lot this time last year either. Must be the whole September thing.

The news is still distressing me. People are still there waiting on tents, for crying out loud. ...but the businesses are reopening.... and don't you worry, we'll "revive" the area... thank you very much President Numnuts.

I miss Bill Clinton. I miss the 90's. I miss that feeling of "everything's going to be ok". That whole thing pissed me the fuck off. Personally, I don't care if he lies about it, I prefer my President well sucked off. He's the last person on the planet I want sexually frustrated. Shit, I'll suck the President's dick if it'll mean I don't have to worry about the rest of the world wanting to nuke us.

Bill Clinton was on CNN, last night, talking with Larry King. It made me feel sad.

If Hillary runs, in the next Presidential election, I'll vote for her. I'll risk getting called for Jury Duty over it, just like I did attempting to keep this fucking idiot out of office.

I cling to my faith in GOOD. I cling to my belief that, eventually, this too shall pass. That's all the religion I've got.

So, this is me and my bro...

Hey bro, d'you think we look alike?

No! Really!

How 'bout now?

I wish I felt better. I really did enjoy seeing my brother. It sucks that we live so far apart. True, it's closer than I was when I was in MT, but it's not as close as being in PA, where I was before the last stretch of insanity.

I feel like I need to get some sleep and clear my head. Lately, I always feel like that no matter what I do though. Nothing brings me clarity. Nothing gets rid of the stupid pains I get. Nothing stops me from bitching about it, either. I guess that's a good thing. If I weren't complaining about something, whatever would I write about?

I hope to get a picture of me and my brother to post here, soon. My best friend took a few shots of us. That was very cool. The last I picture of the two of us together was taken more than a decade ago. I don't know that we look a lot alike. We're both short (I'm only about half an inch taller than he is), but I really can't tell if we look alike otherwise. To me, he just looks like my brother.

I miss him.

Tomorrow, my brother is coming up to visit.

I haven't seen him since...

before I left PA
before I got my diagnosis
before I got my cane
before I lived here
before I was actually this sick
before I fell from grace, flat on my face.

I look forward to seeing him. I'm nervous though. I don't like it when he sees me weak. I don't like it when anyone sees me weak. Recently, that means I don't like it when anyone sees me at all.

It's September. You'd think I'd be used to this, as many Septembers as I've been through. September is when things start to get really bad with my head. My actual birthday is always bad, but that's Psych stuff. I guess that, perhaps, the psych stuff aggravates the MS stuff. It starts off bad in September, slowly climbs through October, and then it's November. November is really bad. December, that's just where I get to spend all of my strength trying not to kill myself. Then, January comes. January is a bit better, and all the way up to May it's just a steady sort of "bad". May's usually rough. June, July, and August are usually just about me holding on in whatever way I possibly can... and then comes September again.

I'm sure that there are many different reasons why there seems to be a pattern... including that maybe I'm just looking for patterns where there are none, and just creating them. All I know for sure, is that September has always been bad.... and that "the holidays" have always been bad, no matter what I do to change things... and I have tried many things. Don't suggest meditation, or I'll bitch slap you. (For fuck's sake... I've had this problem for the majority of my life, do you think it never occured to me to take a "holistic" approach? It's like someone suggesting chamomile tea for my sleep problems. I've had a sleep disorder for over thirty fucking years!!! Do you REALLY think that I'm THAT MUCH of a fucking IDIOT!?! No, tea never fucking occured to me. Fucking Einstein.)

Sorry, I tend to rant.

Anyway... I'm inclined to believe that it really is just the psych stuff setting off the MS. There seems to be no other explanation. So, I'm supposed to avoid stress. I have to chuckle a little at that. Just having this damn disease is stressful. The realities of my life are stressful.

Shoot, just writing this is stressful.


I need a drink.

The worst feeling in the world has to be watching yourself become stupid.

I can't find words anymore. I can't get my thoughts out of me and into a form anyone else can understand. I can't draw anymore. I can't do music anymore. I'm holding onto writing, by the skin of my teeth.

I'm losing the ability to express myself.

I've had nightmares about this, as far back as I can remember.

I'm going to have to learn how to blink "shoot me".

Finally found a place that focuses on GLBT people affected by the hurricane. Please click, if you have anything you can offer (or want to offer).

I might add, please click, if you're looking for someone who identifies as Gay, Lesbian, Bi, or Trans, who is from the affected area, or think that they might be looking for you.

...and please pass on the link to people who may need it.

(If you don't know why GLBT people need their own damn organization, that's fine. I have no desire to argue.)

thanks

Just about pissed myself laughing over this.
(I think it was the whole bunny thing that did it.)

I was thinking about "children".

What I say about children is often misunderstood.

I'll joke about eating them for lunch, or say that I HATE them.

Truth is... I used to be one. I just see them as people, just like me, only younger. No, I'm not a damn pedophile, I just see them as "equals". If someone is an ass, I don't care if they're 7 or 70. Same goes for the true gems.

I remember when I was a teenager, and how I used to look at "adults" and say... wow... don't they remember what it's like?!?!?

I vowed NEVER to be an "adult" like that... and you know what?... I stuck to that vow.

I still have my "teen angst". I hang onto that perspective. I DO remember what it's like, and I believe, that if you stay true to yourself, you'll never lose touch with that.


I hope that I'm never an "adult". Adults are true assholes. I'd rather just be a dick head.


...as Minor Threat said... I may be an adult, but I'm a minor at heart.

...and the day wears on.

Touched up my "100 things" list. Moved some empty boxes around. Vacuumed my floor... part of it, anyway. I think I ate.

I feel stoned. The day is dragging. My eyes are slow. Everything looks kind of abstract.

Sometimes, I see little flecks of light... sometimes, everything looks flat... sometimes my vision gets hyperintense and even the pores in my skin are vivid. Sometimes, I look at my hands, and I know that they're not mine.... that they're not real... that they're just somehow moving on their own.

My tattoos... sometimes, I look and them and they don't seem real. It seems like they were part of a story I read. They're not from my life. I didn't put them there. Someone else was using this body, but it wasn't me.

Somebody else is writing this. It can't be me.

Damn, do I ever feel shitty today.

I can't even be happy for one goddamned second. Something good happens, like the bill in CA passing, and all I can do grunt and groan.

I really hate this!

Figures, I can't even bitch about it properly, as tBlog is attempting to "fix some issues".

See! tBlog is actually trying to fix some of the problems, and what's my reaction?



I really, really HATE this!

The sun just came up. Well... sort of. It just got light out. I can't really see the actual sun yet.

Passed out with the tv on, last night. Woke up to the news... something about CA and the whole Gay marriage thing. Figures, the Terminator has a say in people's lives. Does life imitate art, or does art imitate life? I think that I came to the conclusion, a while back, that the answer is "Yes, No, Both, Neither, and Who the hell cares".

I'm feeling a bit of that today... apathy. I guess I just feel tired. If I'm lucky, I'll have it in me to get a damn shower today. Showering shouldn't feel like a chore, but with me, it often does. It wasn't always this way. I'm a hygiene freak. Two showers a day was not unusual, in the past. They say that it's normal with MS though... the fatigue. Sometimes I can't even hold my cup to drink. My arms get too tired. Resting my face in my plate while I'm eating, often occurs to me.

Tomorrow is "shot day". Maybe that will help. Sometimes it does. I know I'm due, that's for sure. I've been getting hot flashes for two days now. Hot flashes suck. They're par for the course though, I guess. When the hormone level hits "E", it just happens. I'm pretty sure that the heat in the room I was recently staying in destroyed my Testosterone stash. It was often about 100 degrees in that room. It probably ruined it. That's why it's wearing off so fast. Ticks me off a little. I won't have the money to replace it if I lose my prescription coverage in December, like BushyWushy seems to want me to. I can't make heads or tails out of the whole Medicare drug thing. To me, all it looks like is that I'm screwed. Oh well, the State can just pay for another hospital admission afer I use up the last of my Inderal.

Time will tell. Right? It'll be an adventure. Yeah. Right. Fuck you.

Sometimes, when your nerves are raw, you pick up on things most other people don't.

Things are not good. Not at all. I did indeed feel something coming. Indeed.

Cutter post/1969770348

If you need to take this personal, go for it. I just need to fucking write. I started this blog for ME, not for everyone else.

You don't know what it's like. I always lose track of that. You don't know what my head is doing. All you see... all you read or hear are words... the rantings of someone in another place... someone who's NOT you... you think... That guy's an asshole... all he does is spew shit and hot air.

You don't get it. You don't know what my head does. You don't know what it's like to have raw nerves, and to always be paranoid. You just slowly fade away, because you don't get it. Fade away. Most people in my life do. I'm used to it.

I'm like a crow, remember?

all I can say is,

eat me.

Just found this blog: Survivors

Hats off to "Ayana" for creating this!

I watch, as the media coverage shifts gears. It goes from live footage, to lots of talking about nothing really important. Pretty soon, it'll shift to just reporting the death toll and showing week old images, over and over and over.

Eventually, people will forget. The drama, gone from their living rooms, will magically reappear, in the shape of "Reality TV". People don't want to hear about things that don't directly affect them, unless it's hyperdramatic... with "Amazing Grace" being crooned in the background and lots of crying children.

All this happened, and still, people don't understand that long before this hurricane, these people's lives were hell, and that they will continue to be hell. They don't really care either, not without the drama... not without the media telling them what to react to. They'll go back to "They just don't want to work", and "Let a stranger into my home? What if they steal something?" They'll go back to worrying about the price of gasoline, and trying to find the latest, greatest computer game. That's what happens. That's how it's set up. That's how we've been raised. We're slaves who whip themselves... and we don't even know it. When we're instructed to close our eyes, we do.

Fear. It works every time.

LMAO at the Hot Blogs list.


This is one hell of a site.
------------------------- ----

ok, they fixed it. Much better.

It looked like it was a list of the most recent people who registered an account.

Yeah well... when you gotta go, you gotta go.

Anyway... where was I?

Right... thoughts...

Yesterday, it occured to me, while watching CNN, that most people don't know the issues involved with getting housing and/or housing assitance from the government. This won't be just an issue of finding the homes, it'll have to be an issue of changing laws. Housing operates by filling their quotas. It also DOES NOT allow for people who are not "family" to live together. That brings up A LOT of issues. GLBT people are going to have problems. Shoot, even the hetero couple who were just living together and not yet married are going to have problems. If you ever commited a crime? Problems. Bad credit? No credit? Problems. You want to put how many in that bedroom? Sorry. No can do. No references? Sorry.

I've been trying, for years, to see if I can join up with some of the other low income people I've met, so that we can all get assistance and live together. Nope. No can do. I can't even have anyone staying at my apartment with me for more than 21 days. With the "help" comes the rules (to say nothing of the "inspections")... it's infuriating, but it's true. Many of the freedoms many Americans take for granted, you don't have those as a person receiving "help".

I won't even go into what's up with the "free food" you get at various places.

My only hope is that once A LOT of people have to go through these things, some light will be shed on the issues and problems. I'm lucky. I know the drill. I know how the system works (and doesn't). I'm used to feeling like property of the damn State. A LOT of people are about to get one hell of a wake up call though. I can only hope that the wake up call will wake up the right people.

Coffee Talk
Sunday 09.04.05 [7:26 am]

Already edited my "100 things" list a few times. ...trying to make some things more clear, and had to add a couple that I thought too important not to mention. I'm sure I'll be picking at it, and editing it all day. I'm just like that.

I really wanted to sit and write for a while. There's a lot on my mind. Unfortunately, at the moment, gotta go! D'Oh!
------------------------- ------------------

happiness
Saturday 09.03.05 [6:42 pm]

She lost track of her baby in the storm. Then, she was reunited with him.

It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.

If I could cry, I would.


The love of a parent is priceless.

Turned on the tv. Things are still upsetting me. Those people must be so damn exhausted at this point. Once you've raged for a while, you get tired... especially when you're without food and water, and proper rest. The whole thing makes me so mad... and so sad.

I have a migraine. Thought if I ate it'd go away. It didn't. Took meds, but blanked out while getting them, and took Inderal instead of Motrin. oops.


I think that I'll crawl into bed and watch the news. I appreciate my bed. I'm very lucky to have one.

1) I was born, September 19, 1969
2) I have 22 tattoos
3) I have (Progressive Relapsing) Multiple Sclerosis. I've had MS since, at least, the summer of 1983, but was only officially diagnosed in 2004.
4) Although my gender is, and always has been "masculine", I have aspects of both stereotypical sexes.
5) I have moved 43 times in my 36 years.
6) I was first labeled "mentally ill" in 1985.
7) I've been legally disabled since 1994, when I received the diagnosis of MPD/PTSD.
8 ) My closest blood relative is my (half) brother. I have no other blood relatives involved in my life.
9) My friends are like family to me. My best friend is my "power of attorney/health care proxy".
10) My school "major" was music.
11) I'm primarily a drummer, although I can play many instruments, and used Double Bass as my primary instrument in college.
12) I'm a "Pagan". I've studied the occult ever since I could study at all.
13) I've used the "Vampire" label ever since sometime in 1983.
14) I've used the "Were" label, ever since I learned the word.
15) I've been sexually or romantically intimate with about 60 different people (most, at different times. both with those who identify as men and with those who identify as women, and no that's not counting cyber and phone sex).
16) I often use the word "they", as a singular pronoun, as to not throw people into two gendered categories.
17) The most expensive thing I've ever owned is a laptop computer.
18) I paint and draw, or at least, I used to.
19) From what I can recall, the highest my IQ ever tested was 162. The lowest was 125.
20) I've been in a mental institution, as a resident, 4 times. The first time was at age 17.
21) I lived in Israel when I was 5 through 6.
22) When I was 8, the apartment complex I lived in with my sister, mother, and my mother's boyfriend, burned down.
23) Earlier that year, I was in a car accident.
24) I was under a year old when I had my first surgery. I had to have my tear duct opened.
25) Although I'm now legally male, when I was born, they called me a girl.
26) My favorite food is sushi (sashimi).
27) I often have memory burps, but I usually can correct my mistakes later. (Thank you very much, MS)
28) I've gone by 4 names, in my life. My current legal name is Jonathan. I prefer "Jon", but will answer to any of my online names as well.
29) I suffer from extreme paranoia.
30) I have many, many allergies.
31) I live in an apartment, which is a part of a "housing project".
32) Every 2 weeks, I stick an inch and a half, 22 gauge needle into my thigh and inject 200mg of testosterone into the muscle.
33) I see no difference between prescribed&a mp;n bsp;drugs and "illegal" drugs. A drug is a drug. (I have no idea why there's a space before that "s". It just won't go away.)
34) I have a house plant named "Harold".
35) I have a stuffed rabbit named "Bunny".
35) I walk with a cane. I named it "Nessie" because it reminds me of the Loch Ness monster's head and neck.
36) I was a very active part of Philadelphia's GLBT community, until 1998, when I had to move out of Center City.
37) I'm "Hardcore". I'm an 80's "punk". I take pride in that.
38) I've had 2 of my Wisdom teeth removed, both on the left. I was awake for both extractions.
39) I have a patch of light blonde hair on the left side of my head. The rest of my hair is brown, and is getting darker as I age, although I have a lot of blonde in my beard, moustache, and eyebrows.
40) I prefer carpet to hard wood floors.
41) I prefer a VERY firm matress.
42) I prefer cold to hot, when it comes to weather.
43) I worked on a farm, in KY, in 1988.
44) My favorite musical "acts" are Fleetwood Mac/Stevie Nicks, Queen, Genesis/Phil Collins, Joan Armatrading, David Bowie, and Kate Bush. (The whole list is WAY too long.)
45) My favorite "local" type band is a band that was called "Ruin", whose shows I went to constantly, in the eighties.
46) I don't like sitting with my back to a door, or to activity of any sort.
47) I'm a smoker. I like smoking. I've smoked since 1980. I have NO desire to quit, and am beyond annoyed that smokers and tobacco have become the latest scapegoats in American society.
48) I don't drive. I can't drive. I've never driven. I'm petrified of cars. I feel towards cars, and the auto industry, like most people do towards smokers and the tobacco industry.
49) I was always a very good swimmer, but I could never dive.
50) My back is screwy looking because of the way it's built. There's something called "Scheuermann's kyphosis", which I seem to fit the description of. I don't actually have "poor posture".
51) I love to walk. I once walked continuously for 12 hours.
52) My favorite tv shows are documentaries.
53) My favorite movies are Independent films.
54) I'm primarily right handed, but rather ambidextrous.
55) Judging by the cost of living, my income (from Social Security Disability) makes me rather "poor". (As of Jan. '06, it will be $12,360 a year.)
56) I once worked for the IRS.
57) In the past, I played with a number of bands.
58) I'll sooner hurt myself than hurt others.
59) I'm 5 feet, 5.5 inches tall and about 155 lbs.
60) I used to read tarot cards for others.
61) I've always been drawn to Salem, MA, San Francisco, CA, and my hometown of Philadelphia, PA.
62) I despise trends, fads, tradition, religion, and fashion. Sheep are better for eating, not being.
63) Don't take my picture, or record me in any way without asking - every time.
64) People make me feel claustrophobic. I prefer they keep their physical distance.
65) I'm not affectionate with people, unless I'm sexually or romantically involved with them. I prefer not to be touched at all. Even Cyber hugs bother me.
66) Light touch usually hurts me. (It's an MS thing.)
67) I am a lot like a crow. Although I'm often misunderstood, I rarely shut up.
68) I prefer salty to sweet.
69) I prefer boots to shoes.
70) I'm allergic to wool, and most man-made fabrics. I prefer cotton and leather.
71) I find lingerie revolting, on anyone.
72) I'm a hygiene freak. The cleaner, the better.
73) I prefer short hair to long, generally.
74) Commitment scares me.
75) I watch A LOT of tv, but I think that I watch it intelligently.
76) I get the backs of "my own". "My Own" consists of GLBT people, Hardcore/Punk people, Disabled people, Atheists and Pagans, Poor people, "Minorities", and Animals. The Underdogs.
77) I don't like dancing. I think it makes people look silly, including myself.
78) I'm prone to rage. (another thanks to the MS monster)
79) I'm generally soft spoken. If I raise my voice, it's usually because I'm VERY angry.
80) Children are people too. I treat them as such.
81) I've never been married.
82) The best part of the Thanksgiving turkey is the skin.
83) I've never had a boyfriend. I've had lots of girlfriends. I tend to have women as my "platonic" friends, but tend to be more physically attracted to those who identify as men.
84) I value my right to change my wants, needs, desires, and preferences.
85) I like watching NFL games.
86) I'm not anti-social. I'm anti-stupid.
87) I suffer from severe Insomnia, and have for as long as I can remember. I don't sleep more than 5 hours at a time (and that's drugged). I usually sleep in shifts of 45 to 180 minutes.
88) I graduted from a High School that was attached to a Mental Institution.
89) I spent a good deal of time "squatting", in W. Philly, when I was a teenager.
90) I've eaten at soup kitchens.
91) I rode the bus for 76 hours, from Philly to San Fran, in 1993... and again on the way back.
92) I left "home" right after I turned 15.
93) Because I live in fear, I have lied, rather than telling my whole life story.
94) I have identified as G. I have identified as L. I have identified as B. I have identified as T.
95) I tend to peel off society's labels.
96) My favorite color is "Hunter" green.
97) My eyes are a combination of green, grey, and yellow. They often change colors.
98) My favorite job was as a barback/maintenance guy/coat check lackey at a Gay bar.
99) I'm constantly writing.
100) I'm more impressed by someone whom I can understand, who uses simple English, than by someone who uses elaborate English in an effort to impress me.

I haven't turned on the tv, yet.

I got some sleep. I had vivid dreams, and a lot of adventure in them. There's food in the house. It's not too hot outside. I made coffee. I have smokes. It's quiet.

It's a good moment in my life.

Sometimes, that's how you have to do it. One moment at a time. If you have a good moment, you enjoy it, catch your breath, and push on.

It's funny, when rich people who were camped out at the Ritz-Carlton stole medication from the Walgreens, it was called "commandeering", but when poor people tried to do it, it was called "looting".


I'm so disgusted.

I hope that today is a better day... for everyone.

...and may the month be kind.

I'm just going to keep going. I don't care anymore.

I don't care... what you say... I never did believe you much anyway.... I won't be there no more... get out of my way... let me by... blah blah blah...

Sisters and Brothers, Brothers and Sisters... blah blah blah.... Free to Be, You and Me.


We're the tired, the poor, the huddled fucking masses...

The ones who were here, whether we asked to be here or not, who see the... what? The shit and mud. We don't hold stocks, or bonds, or property... and what we "make" in a year doesn't equal what many make in a week.

...but, we behave. We don't break laws. We stay quiet. We don't even vote, for fear... for fear of being SLAPPED on the wrist... or something like that.

Home of the brave. Yeah.

Pacify us with Football and Reality TV.

Whatever.

I'll never lift a finger, I'm too much of a damn coward.

...but... there are a lot like me, who aren't.


You best let your grip on their balls go.

I know that I should shut the news off... but I can't... I WON'T.

It makes me ANGRY.

If it were me... I'd want people to be angry. I'd want people to SEE it.


I can't get your back but so much, folks... but I'll be damned if I pretend it ain't happening.



Anyone who needs a place to stay for under 3 weeks, I'm here. I can't give you more than that. I'll lose my housing... and then we'll both be fucked. :(

The space is yours, though. If you can get here. :(


I know. They won't see this. Pass it on, if you can. The whole country isn't blind.

ok, let me continue....


Let's just play "pretend" for a few minutes....


Let's pretend that I'm black, and that I have, let's say... a 2 year old little girl. She's at the stadium with her mom. I stayed at the house to protect our things and take care of my mom. My mom wouldn't leave. She's sick, and she won't leave the home she grew up in. She doesn't have health insurance. She doesn't have anything but this house.


It's been days now. I haven't had any food, or any water. Neither have the people in the stadium. My mom died when the water came in. I made my way to the city, with my gun.


Where is the help? Where are the buses? Who's getting my wife and my little girl to somewhere safe? They said it would be safe in the stadium!

There's the hospital... they're taking the patients out. That white old lady obviously had insurance. There's a half dozen people helping her out. She's gotta be 90 years old... and she's dying.

What about my little girl?!?! She's two! Why aren't some of you guys helping my little girl?!?!?



Is this really rocket science?

I have a lot to say about what's going on right now, although I'm just usually caught between a scream, a cheer, and a "completely speechless", and haven't been able to say much.

People's focus on the "looting" and "lawlessness"? That, I find dumbfounding. Where the fuck have people been living?!?! Under a rock?!?! For the people in this country who are at the bottom of the income ladder, this country has SUCKED SHIT for years now! You take people who already had next to nothing, and who were treated like shit, and who had people's fingers pointing in their faces for centuries, and take away everything (including their hope) from them, what the fuck do you think they're going to do?!?!?

I just spent over 8 MONTHS waiting to get housing. I'm white. I had a cell phone to constantly call and hound the agencies. I had my paperwork in order. I had a disease, and proof of it. I had the first month's rent, and my disability check to get me by. I had a place to stay until something came through. ..and it made me fucking CRAZY. Where the HELL do you think these people are going to go!?!?!?!!? Where do you think they're going to find work!?!?!?! How do you think they're going to be able to feed their children?!?!?! ...and you want to bitch because they're stealing tvs to sell, and wanting to take out the "leaders" in society?

People say, "Well, they were told to leave!" Where the fuck should they have gone, and how in hell were they supposed to get there? The stadium?!?!?! Even if they thought about walking to the stadium, knowing what you know,.. and hearing "wolf" cried constantly in your life, WOULD YOU? It's New Orleans!!! Even all this aside, people don't want to walk the streets in many neighborhoods, at night. Would you, after being searched, trap yourself in a stadium with 10,000 strangers? Would you bring your wife and kids there? How about your grandmother?

Most of these people are people who wanted help from their government long before this... and they got very little. They got their kids sent off to Iraq, their food and cash assistance taken away, their health and prescription coverage taken away, and their corner store closed down thanks to WalMart. They were locked up, and spit on, and demonized.

Anarchy? Lawlessness? You're talking about people who didn't need a whole hell of a lot of a reason to revolt in the first place!


I have to stop. I'm getting riled, again. Maybe I'll write more later.

Some people, who don't know me all too well, but who do actually care, have suggested making friends with the happy Buddha.

Been there, done that. ...ok, maybe I didn't go with it all the way into monkdom, but it certainly was a path I walked on for a while. The peaceful warrior becomes the pissed off warrior, right about the time he becomes the pissed on warrior.

Our brains control our emotions. If our brains are broken, it's not about making choices anymore... It just becomes about hoping that you can get through the next episode of rage without spilling blood. I can't control my emotions. I can still control my actions, to a degree, so I try to focus on that. (Wish I could control my damn mouth/fingers better.)

What has worked for me? Well... um... beer? Seriously, that's the one thing that has actually helped. Smoking too, as it relaxes and distracts me, but especially alcohol. Sometimes, when things get beyond rough, all I can do is put myself out. It's either that, or take the drugs that do it, but they have side effects I can't handle at all.

I've gotten to the point where I can, usually, feel it coming on. I can feel when I start to spiral. I use every trick in the book to stop the spiral, but like a hurricane, there are just some things we cannot control.

So, although the Buddists have a great system, I think that it only works if one has a "standard" brain. I'm pretty sure that mine's an automatic.