Rants and Musings

It's been months now since people were able to open tblog accounts, and yet here I sit, thinking that maybe things will change soon. 

It would help a little if we were being occasionally updated on just what is going on.

It's sort of like... I don't know... living with MS?

Was completely fucked in the head this morning. It's depression... but yet it's not. It's something bordering on fear... but yet it's beyond that. If my thoughts drift too far into the future I feel nothing but panic... but it's a slow panic... hopelessness... helplessness...

Right now I'm ok. I have food, clothing, and shelter. I have some perks... things which help me pass the time. I have some meds... barring disaster or emergency, I'll be ok until Friday with what I have. Fear... it's the fear of "What if...?" which gets me. It's thinking more than a few days ahead which gets me. Sometimes, it's thinking more than a few minutes ahead which gets me. I know... then "just don't think ahead!" Right?

You can't live life like that. Ending up in a hospital or on the street happens because of thinking like that. Living in the moment... that's what you do when you're drunk or otherwise impaired. That's what you do when you've given up. That's what you do in order to get through a moment... not to get through a whole hell of a lot longer than that.

Foresight is what makes us "human". It is our curse and our blessing.

There is a fine line between courageous and stupid.

Living in the moment... that's what you do when you're drunk or otherwise impaired.

Wish to fuck I wasn't so god damned otherwise impaired. I'm tired of having to force myself to live moment to moment in an attempt to avoid becoming paralyzed with fear, or to not live moment to moment in order to attempt to avoid another catastrophe. That it takes so much effort? There's something so uniquely subhuman about it... about being unable to think ahead... but then, it feels so tortuously human going against that which feels only natural as well.

Wish to fuck I didn't have to try so hard not to be subhuman.

Wish to fuck I wasn't so repulsed by my own humanity.

Wish to fuck I understood any of what I just wrote here.

The words look like little bugs on my screen.

Perhaps I should try eating them.

I feel the anger creeping in... the rage... I'm aware of it, yet there's nothing I can do about it.

I try... stop myself from posting my thoughts online... stay away from the alcohol... avoid the phone... make sure I eat... make sure I take my meds... try to sleep... no matter what... TRY TO SLEEP.

Rage... anxiety gone ballistic...

Had a great conversation with my brother today, despite the fact that it was bad news which prompted me to call him. I guess that's the upswing though. The downswing? His grandmother... my grandmother (in my heart) fell the other day and cracked her pelvis. She's in the hospital now, and (after rehab) might have to move from her home into an assisted living situation... which, of course, will have to be paid for by the sale of her home. Not good news at all.

Chemo, Leukemia, who knows what else, eighty plus years, and a cracked pelvis?

Bunny is very, very sad.

So am I.

when the shit hits the fan, that's when you know who the good ones are...

They're the ones who rip their only tissue in half, and hand one half to you.

All is well in the world of Nessie. She got her new shoes.

I envy her.

Ouch!!!

She kicked me!!!

Apparently, even Nessie has problems.

Sorry, Ness.

There are days on which I have to use an obscene amount of energy stopping myself from doing drastic things.

Temper tantrums. Inside there'll be a temper tantrum going on, and all my energy is used up stopping it from breaking out... from turning into ACTION.

I can't even guess at how many times I've had to just force myself into bed (or otherwise AWAY from people) to stop myself from crossing lines which I knew I'd probably have ended up regretting having crossed in the future. On a daily basis, I have to stop myself from kicking the Internet out of my life. Every day, I weigh the pluses and minuses of living online, and every day the scales threaten to prove it to me that the whole thing... the whole delusion is doing me more harm than good.

On one hand, if it weren't for the Internet, I don't know that I would have made it past 30. On the other hand, if it weren't for the Internet, I don't know that I wouldn't have. The whole thing tempts me... makes me want to find out "what would happen if..."

Day after day, in my head, is the battle cry, "If I can't live, then I'll die trying!"

...and day after day, instead of going over to the other side, where the grass looks very, very green, I get online and bitch about my dying lawn.

Thing is, in the past, whenever I went to check out the oh-so-green grass, it turned out that not only was it indeed very green, but also that I was oh-so-fucking-allergic to it. My whole life I've done it though, kept hopping fences and trying to roll in the oh-so-green grass. "All you have to do is try!" Right? "Just take an allergy pill!"

So, now I try to heed the lesson, and just stay put. "Sit! Stay! Good Boy!"

Ummm...

Do I get a Scooby-snack yet?

ummm...

...that grass sure does look nice...

If you know, then ACT LIKE IT!

ACT LIKE YOU KNOW!

I don't even know what to write about anymore. I suppose that I'm depressed, but it doesn't matter that I know that it might just be a chemical thing, or an MS thing, or whatever. It still feels like shit. I used to call it the "no points" when I felt like this. My internal response to every "Why don't you...?" is, "What's the point?"

Thirty seven and a half years, and I still haven't found an answer better than, "Maybe..."

"Maybe..." is getting old, right along with "Just in case..."

A "soul mate" is someone you are more YOU with, not someone with whom you to feel motivated to be more for.

-""^..^""-

Then... there are all sorts of "soul mates". Even enemies can be "soul mates".

Perhaps... the ones you will continue to gravitate towards are the ones you simply shine the brightest with... the ones you are simply the most YOU while near.

...a lot to think about.

Sounds like a wise thing to say. Problem is, if you strictly adhere to the concept, you cannot really trust anyone.

Then... I suppose that maybe you can, as long as you also trust them to be human.

Never take anyone's humanity for granted? Always take people's humanity for granted?

ouch

my brain hurts

Happy Birthday to my "step" grandmother, my brother's grandmother. In my heart... my grandmother. Although battling Leukemia and now in her eighties, she's still truckin' through life.

I have nothing but nice words to say about her. Bunny agrees too, and he hardly likes anyone. She saved him when he was just a baby Bunny, and he never forgot that.

We think of her and smile, every day.

I've been going nuts for weeks now, if not months, looking for something a fellow blogger wrote about the definition of "lazy" which her therapist pointed out to her.

I don't remember whose blog it was, but was one the most incredible things I've read in a while. It was too perfect, and I really wanted to remember it.

I think that one of my lesions ate all the info.

If one of you can cop to the entry, please let me know. I'd really love to be able to read it again. Just posting your own definition of "lazy" would be appreciated as well. I am interested in knowing what people think "laziness" actually is, as many people I know seem to call themselves "lazy", when I do not think that they are lazy in the least.

Although I am grateful for the bit of sight I have regained, it is clear to me that I am still spewing gunk from my lesioned brain.

I have to try to do my best to "take care". I can't over-do, no matter what I wish to do. It's frustrating, and...

I'm sorry.

New lesions are seen in the right frontal lobe, left corona radiata, left centrum semiovale, left occipital lobe  and right inferior basal ganglia.

What's your excuse?