Rants and Musings

I have one hell of a headache right now, but no desire to be in bed. Apparently it's supposed to rain for days, starting tomorrow. It's not what's causing the headache, but it sure as shit doesn't help.

Just one more day, and then I'll have made it through May of 2007 with less damage than I ended up having accrued through May of 2006. Shoot, my skull is probably damaged permanently from May of 2006. No suicide attempts this year either. I should get a fucking prize for that part.

You know, with the seemingly crappy luck I've had throughout my life, it would make sense if things suddenly started really going my way. Then... who's to say that things haven't been going my way already?

It's all about perspective.

SirThinksalot reminds me of that often.

Someone is supposed to come over here tomorrow, and I'm petrified. I'm tempted to insist on meeting with her outside... in my building's communal area... just not in here.

I don't trust myself. I don't trust that I won't fuck up. I don't trust that I won't take it out on myself if I do.

What do you need? I don't NEED anything... no one really does if they have some food, some clothing, and some shelter... not really. What do you want? I want my MS to go away! Meals on wheels? I USUALLY CANNOT deal with PEOPLE!!!! An aide? What the FUCK part of "I USUALLY CANNOT deal with PEOPLE!!!!" didn't you get?!!!!!???

YOU DON'T GET IT!!!!!! I'd rather live in filth, off of chips and beef jerky than risk hurting myself or hurting others!!!!!!

...at which point they take away what little freedom I do have and all but lock me up somewhere.

...but it's just a meeting... nothing to stress over...

what the FUCK EVER

...cancelled it (with help from RavensWings).

So, NEVER FUCKING MIND.

I'm starting to lose TV as a way to pass the time. "Fantasy" is only really good if there's a remote possibility that it could ever be true. "Reality TV"? Whose reality? Not mine! All the dramas? What good are they? That's not my world, and it probably never will be! Comedies? I'm too bitter to laugh, most of the time. Commercials for products I will never be able to afford and drugs which do me no good...

The "real world". Right. I don't even know what that is anymore.

It pains me. It pains me to know that even if this disease doesn't kill me anytime soon, that my life will be like this until I do die. 99% of all human interaction brought to me by "Cyber friends". May as well be a dream.

As the days have worn on, my whole life has started to feel like it was all just a dream... that there never really was a "real world" in which I existed... that there really isn't a real me.

I feel nauseaous. I know that it's heat (and humidity) related, and then there's the stress of just being me which doesn't help, but knowing is simply not half the battle in this case. ...and staying in bed watching TV doesn't seem to be helping at all.

Why the fuck am I bothering to write this?

So, she says, "I can't "treat" your MS!"?

Why not? I'm YOUR patient and I have MS! That means that you're getting PAID TO!

More and more, the title of "Doctor" is meaning less and less to me.

I woke up this morning with a migraine. The temps are record high, from what I know, and will be so again tomorrow. Despite my wonderful a/c unit, my body knows it's too hot out. Sure does hurt this time of year.

The appointment went. SirThinksalot took good care of me and made sure that I got done what I needed to at the office.

From what I think I know, the end result was that my current prescriptions shouldn't be a problem to get refilled for the next year, at least on their end. As well, one of the nurses offered to try to get me some help, in lieu of cloning RavensWings. In my opinion, the nurse needs to be at the front of the cloning line along with RavensWings. Since arriving here, in December of 2004, she is the FIRST health care professional who actually understands MS I have come across. ...and she was really nice to me.

I like it when I come across people like that. Makes me feel a little hopeful, I guess.

Even though I've had the appointment in my head every day and night since last year's, I'm still not completely ready for tomorrow's appointment with my "Primary Care Physician".

I always fear the worst... try to prepare for the worst. The worst has happened. Despite that though, I still don't know how to really prepare for it again.

I wish to FUCK someone would fix the "Health Care System" in this country. It would be really cool if it actually promoted HEALTH, across the board.

I should NOT lose a year's worth of sleep over a fucking doctor's appointment!!! Doctors are supposed to HELP!

I miss my old Doctor. I liked him. It is my greatest loss in the last 3 years.

Truth is, I spend a lot of time asking myself, "Why?" and, "Why not?" in response to every thought or feeling I have and action I take or choose not to take.

I ask it in every voice I know, and in every tone.

I spend almost as much time doing that as I do answering the questions.

When I do things, there's a reason why I do them. When I feel things, there's a reason why I feel them.

It's rare that I need anyone else to figure out those reasons for me, but when I do, I'm very clear about the fact that I'm actually asking for help.

It's often that I need people to recognize that I may well have already spent a lot of time and put forth a lot of effort  ...that I have valid reasons for what I do, say, do not say, or do not do. It's often that I need people to recognize that it might just be possible that I'm not STUPID.

Yes. There's a reason I'm choosing to post this. Just take my word for that, and take my word for the fact that I do not want to discuss what those  reasons are.

ok... I'm in a disgusting amount of pain. Hit an actual 10 on the physical pain scale earlier today. Tens are scary. Tens are when you think that something is happening which is going to result in your own death.

Something is going on which is especially affecting the right side of my head. Pain aside, my right ear keeps "cutting out" on me.

I'm very tired, and probably more than a little depressed.

I want to solve the puzzle. I want to figure out what I need to do in order to get better. All the money in the world won't help me without knowing what it's going to take in order to get myself better. Yeah, we're all dying, but this just isn't fair. Death is a part of life, but suffering doesn't have to be... not to this extent... not this type of suffering.

It's true, life just isn't fair, but that doesn't mean I have to like that it's the case!

I want to believe in "good". I want to believe that all of this is for a reason.

I really do.

i keep looking back... reading back...

The air feels familiar... like last year... like last May.

I'm trying... really hard. I've not been drinking anything harder than light beer. I've been pretending that I don't even have meds to calm me. (I don't need no arms around me... and I don't need no drugs to calm me...)

Fun. woohoo.

I want to write... want to talk... but... I can't.

Why?

Because it's TOO FUCKING INTENSE. It's too much... too much to have patronized... to much to risk even ONE, "I know exactly how you feel!"

No you fucking don't!!!!!! You know how YOU feel!!!

...and so I remain silent... to a degree.

I'd hop all over your ass no matter what your response... and I'd just rather not.

After all of it, here I am. After everything I've been through in my life, and all the work I've done to become who I am today... after all of it, my neighbors most likely just refer to me as, "The young guy with the tattoos."

I guess I can live with that.

House is on, but it's a rerun. I'm pretty sure that I saw the episode before. I hope that they release the episodes on DVD. I wouldn't mind owning them one day. Yeah, right after I get all the Oz episodes aside from season one, which I have... and all the Dead Like Me episodes... and a new TV, because there's a short in mine, and the sound doesn't really like to work anymore. It's all one big metaphor...

My brain is baking. The rage lesion keeps spewing or something. It likes to do that in May. I think that it's on Hurricane time... or thunder storm time... or fucked up barometric pressure time. I don't know. Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care?

All I know is that my fucking head is fucked up.

There's just something about the words, "Eligibility Review Form" that makes me break out in a rash.

I'd better manage to fill the forms out and mail them in though. If the rash spreads and I want to see a doctor about it in order to get something to treat it, I'll have to see at least 6 of them before I can get one who can skip lining his friends' pockets and just say, "It's just the words, "Eligibility Review Form" that you're reacting to. Try this Eligibility Review Form rash medication. It might work." and I'll need coverage for all of that... which I won't have if I don't fill out the forms.

I think that it's called, "Red Tape" for a reason.