Rants and Musings

I once referred to this date, the 27th of June, as my "spiritual birthday." After that, I started calling it my "Awakening."

Now, it's all about the MS... and knowing that what happened on that date in 1983 was basically, my brain popping to the point of my first really noticing.

I wish that I could go back to a past frame of mind. I wish that I could just pretend that I didn't have MS, that my brain is just more evolved than most other people's brains are, that I'm just more aware. Feeling superior feels so much healthier than feeling... broken.

6/23/94 

What is this hole, this emptiness that fills me. Is it the wall again? The weight of it wearing me out? What happens when I finally break? Will I survive? - I mean, the me I am now. How will I finally end up? Locked away? Jail? Asylum? It's so close. I'm scared, but I can't stop it. I can't hold it together anymore. Oh so tired. We're all so fucking tired.

I've been having a lot of trouble with my vision. On top of that, I (stupidly) spent a little too much time at MyShpace yesterday, and all the flashing ads were simply too much. Like camera flashes and strobe lights, they basically push my brain into seizureville. I stopped in again this morning, and the same thing started happening. Even now, my eyes still feel like they're shaking... twitching.

I don't want to lose the Internet. It's the only social outlet I have, really. It's my only way to connect with the outside world. More and more though, it seems that my brain can't handle it because of all the flashing. It's rare that I ever turn my sound on for the same reason. It's just too much. Even this cursor flashing at me hurts.

Bit by bit, everything which was once keeping me going had to go, or was taken away. I don't have much left!

I'm tired of apologizing. I tired of explaining myself. I'm tired of trying to make up for what I feel I am lacking.

I have to let go... on many, many levels. If I don't, it's all going to pull me under, and I'm going to drown.

SirThinksalot is getting pissed. I have to start listening to him, or he'll make it so that I can't.

I kept on thinking about blogging last night, and every time I did I felt sick to my stomach.

There's not much of anything that I'm getting out of this place which I cannot get elsewhere. Yeah, all my archives are here. I have them stored other places though, online and off. Besides, there's too much for anyone to read through in less than a damn week. Used to be that you could, at least, make it read from the oldest to the most recent entry, rather than making people read all your archives from bottom to top.

People can't even sign up for accounts in order to comment anymore.

I've been writing online for more than 8 years now. The only real break in time (about 2 months) was when I was out in Montana, and even then I was writing offline. That's like... a doctorate or something. Right?

It feels more like it should be 3AM than getting close to 9PM. This whole day has felt completely abstract. Wrong, yet not.

I need some good sleep. Not that I haven't been getting any at all, but I need something more substantial than I've been getting. It's not good for me not to get enough sleep. Very, very bad things happen when I don't get enough sleep. It is a need. It is a want as well, but needs are more important than wants.

I want sleep, but I do not want to take a pill. I need sleep, but I do not need to feel suicidal because of taking a pill. The solution? Don't take a pill and risk very, very bad things happening because of not getting enough sleep.

Whatever is going on, I hope it passes quickly. I simply do not have it in me to make it through a major insomnia spell. Not again. Never again.

Yesterday was a pretty awful day. I suppose it was mostly psychological or chemical stuff, just depression, but that doesn't make a difference. Depression can be just as debilitating as anything else.

All I can do is hope that today will be a better day. It's like a morning ritual, the whole "hope" thing. I have to watch how high I set the bar though. Getting my hopes up... yeah... there's nothing which can send me back into depression more idiotic.

I know better.

Had some trouble today. Like I said, things haven't been going all too well with me. I had to go to the food store though, and it wasn't the most pleasant experience. RavensWings is bending herself in eighths in order to help me, and that help is not in the least taken for granted, but I sure do wish I didn't need the help so much. I'm not walking well, I'm not standing well, I'm not thinking well, I had the rather terrifying experience of my right eyeball shaking insanely the other day... looked like an earthquake when I opened my eye... the pain... yeah... the fucking pain... etc., etc.

I have food... good food. This is a very good thing. I've been struggling with having an appetite, but at least now, if I'm (by good chance) hungry, I'll have something to eat. Between not being able to cook anymore, having only about 5 hours of actual help a week (including any substantial face to face conversation), and being so damn food sensitive (in all the wrong ways,) it's tough to keep up with the nutritional aspects of trying for (sort of?) "healthy."

Times like these get me thinking... and knowing. The number one major factor in America's obesity and poor health issues is... poverty. Have to work, no time or energy to cook. Cheap (I have to pay the damn BILLS!!!) equals big ol' package of SODIUM and empty calories. Life SUCKS and I'll probably get more FUCKED tomorrow than I was FUCKED today... in all the WRONG ways... think I'll drink a 12 pack and zone it all out. High stress equals no desire to add on the stress of a "diet." Etc., etFUCKINGc.

Americans are malnourished, despite their waist sizes.

...and I am no different than the rest of them.

In bologna I trust.

What freaks me out is that it seems like the whole damn world is SICK. Yeah, I have MS, but not everyone else does! What the fuck is going on that everyone is sick all the time? Is it due to overpopulation? Crap in the air? Crap in the food? Crap in our DNA? All of the above?

Lately, I'm starting to envy those who have "passed on". Not because I think that they went to a place where they got all of their questions answered, but because at least they don't have to deal with all of the pre-carcass problems they had to deal with before. True, if there's a such thing as reincarnation, they'll have a whole new set of pre-carcass problems to deal with, but that's only an "if".

Is life really supposed to hurt this much? Does it really hurt this much for everyone else too?

My eyes are fucked up, my legs are weak, I'm completely fatigued, my back hurts, I itch, my stomach hurts, I have a migraine brewing, bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch. Day after fucking day.

It's just that I'm so damn good at it (or so that's what they tell me.)

I've been really pushing myself these last few days, and I'm paying for it, but hey, if I didn't, whatever would I write about then?