Now showing
Showtime is free this weekend from my cable service. This is a good thing because all I've really been able to do is stay in bed. I've been able to watch a few episodes of "The L Word", which is cool because I'd never seen it before and heard that it was a good show.
What's really getting to me... amazing me, is just watching all the people. Lives. They have LIVES. They work, and have friends, and family, and careers, and hobbies, and they have fun.
The whole concept just blows my mind.
not a good day
It occurred to me today...
Smokers are the new Punks.
Why do we smoke?
JUST TO PISS YOU OFF!
Any more questions, you fucking PUSSY?
Crank Kills
I'm not liking this additional heat. It's been like this for at least a week. This morning it was 70 degrees. 70 degrees at 5:00 in the morning. This is New England at the end of September. Very, very not right, and very, very not healthy for me. How far North am I supposed to go to escape the heat and obscene humidity? I can't move to Canada. I survive on my Disability check and the housing assistance I get. I can't take that to another country.
In truth though, if I were actually healthy in the first place I wouldn't care as much. It's just that with my MS the messed up weather is adding insult to injury, and even putting the symptoms of my swelling brain aside, that makes me really fucking CRANKY.
I HATE it!
I'm starting to lose my shit at places where I don't want to be losing it.
I don't like this.
Not at all.
altered thinking
As I go through time I'm realizing more and more that my DID diagnosis was indeed accurate, despite what any part of me wants to believe. Yes, they should have looked at my brain when I was diagnosed with DID and then found the MS, but the DID diagnosis was accurate.
When I'm not doing well MS wise, my DID becomes more evident. It only makes sense. DID develops as a coping strategy and MS is rather difficult to cope with. I guess that in a way it's a plus. Not everyone has the ability to get through a life like mine without killing themselves or anyone else.
Not Guilty
I shouldn't spend so much time thinking about, "What if things had happened differently?" or, "What if I had done things differently?" The reality is that it doesn't matter. The reality is that right up to a nanosecond ago, shit happened as it happened, and there's no way of really knowing how things would be if they had happened any differently. Things are as they are, like it or lump it.
Your spirit cannot grow if you allow guilt to guide you through life. Guilt is fear... it's the fear that you may have made a mistake... that you maybe have been wrong.
Trust that you did what felt right and made sense to do at the time, and then come to terms with the fact that no one can see into the future.
Don't use the past to judge yourself, use the wisdom you gained from witnessing the consequences of your actions, or lack thereof, to make today a better day than the last one.
If you are free of guilt, then you tend to feel quite a bit more divine.
I just have to say
...that yesterday was a good birthday for me.
I can only hope that every day of 38 will leave me feeling as wonderful, appreciated, and loved as I did yesterday, and still do at this moment. (I'll deal with 39 if and when I get there.)
137 over 91
I'm beyond exhausted. It was a very busy day, and I did not get enough sleep last night. I'm trying to make it to 11pm though. I need to take my meds, and I sort of want to be able to catch The Daily Show. Too, I don't want to further fuck up my "schedule" by shutting down too early. I've found that a "lights out" time is good for me, even if I don't manage to sleep much. Same too for a "get out of bed" time, even if it's just to make it out to sit in front of the computer. I suppose that if nothing else it makes me feel a little more human.
The end result of my "very busy day" was that I'm pretty sure that I scored a new Neurologist, and this time I got a (with all due respect to Neurodude) "real" Neurologist. I really like her, and I really hope that I can manage to keep her. I'm going to do my best not to get too sick so that she doesn't feel like she can't handle me... keep my "treatment needs" as simple as I can. I can suffer a whole hell of a lot without asking for too much, and keep coming back, as long as my doctor treats me with respect and what I perceive to be "caring". Like I once said to Neurodude, "I don't care if a Neurologist misses a brain tumor. Everyone makes mistakes. As long as I'm treated with respect..."
I think that Neurodude actually got a kick out of me, and to his credit he did have a pretty good sense of humor. I once told him that I hated being talked down to, while explaining why I don't like most doctors, at which point he stood up.
Yeah, I'm big on the whole respect thing though. Shit! My own mother can't manage to treat me with respect and so she has no place in my life. What the fuck makes you think you're so special?
Long day. Very stressful. Stress is very, very bad for me. I'm going to have to manage to take things a little easier than usual tomorrow. My future "Ms. Ellen" (more appropriate nick name pending) entries depend on it.
p.s. - There actually was one "new" lesion on the last MRI. They found it when they did a comparison with the previous MRI. I guess it's better than more than one.
but still...
When it rains...
It's getting close enough to my appointment with my potential new Neurologist that I'm allowing myself to actually think about how the appointment might go. For months now, I've done everything in my power to stop myself from thinking about it... from obsessing about it... from letting it make me completely nuts.
I know that no matter how many dress rehearsals I run through in my head, none of them will even remotely resemble what will happen at the appointment. In short, you just can't prepare for these things. They happen as they happen, just like about everything else in life. Trying to be prepared is most often just a game we play with ourselves to convince ourselves that we're in control somehow. At least, with things like this it's usually the case.
Either I'll end up with a new doctor after the appointment, or I won't. It's nothing to make lesions over.
(I hope that SirThinksalot heard that.)
It begins
Every fucking year. Just as bad as MAY or NOVEMBER, it's birthday time. There's just no such thing as a "Happy Birthday" in my world, and generally speaking a "Happy Birthday!" just gets people growled at right about now.
I'll be 38 in a matter of days.
So the fuck what?
this beggar would ride
My wish?
I want to find out that all of this is just one big ol' honkin' B-12 deficiency.
Yeah, Neuroshit tested me... whatever...
I want to find out that he was WRONG.
I wanna be a Cowboy, baybeeee....
...and throw you over my saddle.
Yeah.
Sick is as sick does.
Explanation #200,272... or so.
Tstorms
Been in bed, mostly. The storms aren't being very kind to me. They rarely are.
sorry
In fantasy land.
I was thinking (I do that a lot. Nasty little habit.) that if "they" were to cure this disease and it was also possible to undo some of the damage done to my brain, I would really enjoy becoming a Radiologist. Too, I think that I might really enjoy being a Radiologist. I hear that the pay is pretty nice.
61 years ago...
I was going to write about Freddie today, but now I'm just consumed with getting through this MRI. I hate the "contrast" part more than anything. I have rather... difficult veins. This MRI was supposed to have been on the 10th, but they had a cancellation, and so into the tube I go.
Actually, I'm feeling pretty ok today, at least so far. Perhaps the pics will show "no new lesions" and I can fool myself into thinking that the MS is going away, or getting better, or something.
The two best pieces of advice I ever got about MS? "Get to know your MS." and, "Lie to yourself."
I wish they had some Queen to listen to in the tube. I don't remember seeing it on the list though. I usually just listen to Fleetwood Mac, which is my preference, but today? I think that it'd be fitting.
Happy Birthday, Freddie. You're not forgotten.
It's the little things.
There's a Dead Like Me marathon on the SciFi channel today.
I know what I'll be doing.
The thrill is gone.
It occurred to me that I should go back to only writing poetically. Maybe, if I did that, people wouldn't take what I write as personally as they often do. Thing is, poetry is work, and it doesn't provide me with the same release as my more "stream of consciousness" type of writing does. Problem is, with my more "stream of consciousness" type of writing, no matter how artistic it is, it seems to upset people, and then I'm often left feeling attacked or obligated to explain myself if people choose to comment.
So, I'm left with trying to write with a "gag" on, and It's not something I enjoy in the least.
It's been so long now that I only barely remember what it was like to truly enjoy writing. I do remember the feeling a little though. It's close to how I feel when I sit, having a few smokes and a drink or two, talking to myself, for a couple of hours. Pure cerebral "pressure release". No rules. No hurt feelings to apologize for. No detailed explanations to provide. Unfortunately though, there is also no chance for adventure as a result of the practice.
I used to be able to go out to a bar or coffee shop and write. Many adventures came from that. Once I couldn't do that anymore, I found the Internet. Many adventures came from that. Now? The closest to an adventure I get is a Solu-Medrol treatment.
Dreams just don't count.
