Rants and Musings

Yeah... the "year in review". 

I've had worse years. It really sucks that I now track time by the progression of my MS though. What I'll probably remember the most about 2007 is that it was the year during which I went legally blind for a few months, or maybe that it was the year during which the MS went from just making lesions all over my brain to also attacking my spine.

1983 was "The year during which I first experienced a hyper-flare."
1984 was "The year I should have been correctly diagnosed."
1985 was "The year I was sent to a shrink."
1986 was "The year I was locked up for the first time."
1994 was "The year I was told that it was all about my having multiple personalities."
1998 was "The year I was playing in traffic."
2002 was "The year I further hyper-intensified my therapy."
2004 was "The year I was officially diagnosed with MS."
2005 was "The year I had to start using a cane."
2006 was "The year of multiple concussions and suicide attempts."

I could detail all of it, but... that's what the blog's about. This blog, and any of the others. Why? Because way too many people completely fucked up with me on way too many levels. Way too many people had a hand in completely fucking up my life. So, I guess that I'm just hoping that maybe even one person will read my words, and because of doing so, not end up having a hand in fucking up someone else's life.

Yeah, I guess that's all I have to go on.

Happy New Year.

Yes, I'm alive. I'm focusing more on the new project than just about anything else online right now though. I'm shooting for adding one new entry per day, and so far that's working out. I just hope that I'll be able to continue at this pace.

If all goes according to plan, even my deleted 2004 tblog archives will eventually appear there. It's my "online journey" from the beginning, back in 1999, up until the present day... things I ranted about, mused about, and where all that ranting and musing ended me up along the way, I guess.

I've answered more than my share of questions, some repeatedly. I guess that I figure it can't hurt to re-share some of those answers. If nothing else, it gives people something to "chew on" or laugh at... or otherwise entertain themselves with. Makes me feel a little more like I actually exist, I suppose.

Because I'm tired of repeating myself, and...

I've actually come to realize that it often takes me a lot more effort not to write than it does for me to write.

I've never been the sort to shy away from that which takes work. Personally, I find that work often brings something into my life which is usually pretty beneficial to me on one level or another.

Perhaps, from my relative silence, I will eventually gain something which is just as beneficial to me as that which I once gained from my loquaciousness.

just perhaps

I'm spending most of my online time and energy on the new blog project. It is rather extensive... and more than a little thought provoking for me.

It's not that I "live in the past", it's just that I refuse to disrespect myself by denying my past. I don't want to be another person to not pay attention to me. It's all relative, including time. If my present self ignores my past self, then my present self can end up feeling completely ignored. If I always remember to pay attention to... to love and care for my past self, then I know that I will always have been... that I will always be appreciated by at least one person ...that I will always be #1 to someone. 

The same goes for my future self... the way I see it, I try my best every day. We're all trying our best, and we always will. We try for that future self, to make things better for that future self. So, I'm going to be the one to get that baby, that child, that teenager, that young adult, that adult, and (eventually, hopefully?) that senior citizen through the day, because they're back there, or they will eventually be back there doing the same for me... and because no matter where I end up, until I don't exist anymore, I will be able to count on my being there for me.

It's pretty tough to write online about all of the people in one's life, when all but one of those people exist in one's life only online.

Could you constantly say exactly what was on your mind about the people in your life directly to the people in your life? How many friends or family members do you think would still stick around for more?

That was more of a rhetorical question, but it might be something for people to think on. Just how honest are you? How genuine? Is your "God" the only one who really knows you? Is your "God" the only one you think is forgiving enough for you to open up to?

...just something to chew on.

I don't know that I'm going to be opening up this blog to comments from non-tblog people ever again, at this point. It's just too much for me to have to worry about.

I have some links on the right hand side of my page. Perhaps, clicking on one of them in particular will help you to find me, should you not be completely over reading my words.

I'm not leaving tblog entirely, but until it becomes less stressful for me to handle, I'm going to be pretty scarce.