just a li'l senior trip
I went next door and spent a little while with my neighbor today, who is (thankfully) still hangin' in there. I hadn't done that before, actually spent time in her apartment talking with her, but it was well worth the little bit of effort it took me. Usually, we just hear one another through the kitchen wall while doing dishes, or see one another while checking the mail or tackling laundry. Although it's rare though, I'm always glad to see her. As I said, she's a good woman... a friend.
"Choppy" makes sense to me. (I thought, when I first moved in, that she was chopping vegetables or something... constantly, but as it turned out, it's the bathroom sink pipes.) Choppy feels real to me... yes... she makes sense to me. Reverse the numbers in my age and you get hers, but in my little world, that just means I have more in common with her right now than I do most people I've dealt with in life previously. That's the way it is with all of us in this complex... doesn't matter the age ...maybe we've just seen more of life than most out there living their lives (most Americans, I mean) ... I guess. I can only guess.
I'm just glad for the smile I got to have today. I'm glad that I got a reminder of what it's like to live. ...and yes, I'm VERY glad that Choppy is my neighbor.
...just a little while longer...
My neighbor's in the hospital, and it's upsetting me very, very much. I really like my neighbor. She's a good woman... a very good woman... a friend.
I just wish that I were more able to help out the people I care for. It hurts me... profoundly... that I cannot do more for them.
C'mon Choppy... it's not your time yet. Don't let it be... please...
Pull through this...
Senioritis
Yeah... I guess that I just don't have anything much to say here anymore.
That's the way, I guess... after a while, you realize that you've said it all already... over and over and over again.
I got some help getting me a bed. I look forward to having a real bed to sleep on. I'm hoping that it'll cut the pain factor down a bit... or something. My spine just ain't what it used to be. Long gone are the days of sleeping on closet floors and using my leather as a pillow on bus seats.
They say that it's "wedging"... my spine. Kyphosis. Whatever you call it, all I know is that sleeping on a bunkie board and kid's foam mattress hasn't felt all too good over the last few years or so. It's what I could afford though, and so I made do.
Yeah... I made good, I suppose. I dealt. I managed. That's just who I am. When the going gets rough? I just inflate my invisiballs with the struggle. Struggle's gotta be good for something.
So... yeah... life goes on... long after the thrill of John Cougar is gone.
Senior Cutter
You know, there were other Cutters before me. My name, this name, has many meanings. That's the way with most things in my life, and so with most of my writing.
Yes, I did feel that the name "Cutter" would work better for me online than I felt "Slasher" would have... but there was a reason why I thought it would. There was a reason why I attributed any respectability at all to the name.
Perhaps, to understand me a little more, you should read the story of he whose name I bear, as much as you should read my own.
Perhaps.
I 1 der
...and so closes out this year's "MS Awareness" week.
I'm pretty fucking aware of it, don't worry about that.
I wonder if they have a Chiari Malformation awareness week.
I wonder if I give a shit about whether or not they do.
I wonder if I'll make it through this hot season without it resulting in killing me.
I sure do wonder a lot.
...gives me something to do, I guess, and at least it's one thing which I'm still able to do. Fun stuff.
Nothing gold can stay.
Well, I re-learned something new over the last few days. Whatever can go wrong, probably already is going wrong. ...or, whatever you think can go wrong probably will, in the end.
I really did try. I had my bad days, but I tried my best to more than overcompensate on the good ones.
That's another re-learned lesson... sometimes, trying your best just isn't good enough.
Lesson re-learned.
Old and Wise
I don't think that I have it in me to do it... to handle it. I guess that I'm just... old.
Yeah... but if I'm truly "wise" I'll be able to figure out a way to keep going anyway.
I'm ok by me.
I'm pretty sure that I've made a decision about the surgery route. I don't think that I'm going to risk it. It's just not something I can do alone, and the bottom line is that I'm alone. I don't know that it's anyone's fault really, but it's the reality.
Everyone has their reasons for being who they are. We can thank or blame our parents, our families, our friends, our communities, our societies, our luck, our gods or even our own selves. It doesn't really matter though. No matter who or what is to thank or blame, the reality is the reality, and that's what we have to work with.
Me? I'm Cutter, and yeah, it's all I've got to work with, but I'm pretty ok with that. I guess maybe it's not so bad being alone now and again, when you get along so well with yourself to begin with.
Years of practice, baby. Years of practice.
