Vincit Qui Se Vincit
True
The road was rocky, but I made it... in the nick of time.
Thank you.
Yes, I do feel it.
Already the "hot season" is working it's wonders on me. The temper is short, the messed up CNS symptoms are many... sleep is more than vital for me this time of year... I'll have my bed within days though, and I very much look forward to sleeping on it. Well, I hope that I can actually sleep on it, but not sleeping on it will certainly be more comfortable than not sleeping on my currently in use pseudo-bed.
This "graduation gift" will be very much appreciated, and I do so look forward to the next round of dreams which may accompany it as well.
...yes... in dreams.
In my dreams, I will always find you.
...yes... in dreams.
In yours, you'll never be rid of me.
...yes... in dreams
we won't ever, ever say goodbye.
Me. Chapter 14
It actually started back in January... the 18th, to be exact... but I'm now 14K... 14,000 (plus) days old. I like keeping the "fourteen" part in mind. For some odd reason, when I do that, it makes me feel pretty ok.
When I turned 14 actual years old, I had just started High School... graduated from Middle School. It was 1983. Now? At (my newly defined) 14? Yes. I'm ready. I'm ready for whatever is coming up next. I'm ready for an official end to chapter 13, and ready for whatever may come up next in this 14th chapter.
Yeah... I'm 14 alright... I feel that now all too familiar "battle cry" in my very bones... the same one I once felt back in the 1983-84 version of 14...
Yeah... I feel...
BRING IT ON!!!
MISScommunication
I support MY troops.
One of my downstairs neighbors, who was "taken out" about a month back... yeah... she's still not back. I saw them put her into the ambulance... and you know what? I SALUTED her. I FUCKING SALUTED HER!
I knew that she was down for real.
No nickname for her. None at all. On this blog, she was just the "black woman" who lived downstairs, whom I RESPECTED for being such in this country and lasting for as long as she did... yes... and living to tell the tale... for living to REPRESENT.
It's been about a month now.
I don't think that she'll be coming back.
She's in a "home" now.
"A home."
Not HER home!!!
M'am...
take all that horrible SHIT with you and throw it the hell away... right up that Devil's ASS!!!... if you can. What you went through? NO ONE SHOULD.
I SALUTE YOU. YOU are a TRUE "soldier".
YOU put the "brave" in "the home of the brave"... NOT ME... YOU.
...and I thank you... from the core of my being.
just a li'l senior trip
I went next door and spent a little while with my neighbor today, who is (thankfully) still hangin' in there. I hadn't done that before, actually spent time in her apartment talking with her, but it was well worth the little bit of effort it took me. Usually, we just hear one another through the kitchen wall while doing dishes, or see one another while checking the mail or tackling laundry. Although it's rare though, I'm always glad to see her. As I said, she's a good woman... a friend.
"Choppy" makes sense to me. (I thought, when I first moved in, that she was chopping vegetables or something... constantly, but as it turned out, it's the bathroom sink pipes.) Choppy feels real to me... yes... she makes sense to me. Reverse the numbers in my age and you get hers, but in my little world, that just means I have more in common with her right now than I do most people I've dealt with in life previously. That's the way it is with all of us in this complex... doesn't matter the age ...maybe we've just seen more of life than most out there living their lives (most Americans, I mean) ... I guess. I can only guess.
I'm just glad for the smile I got to have today. I'm glad that I got a reminder of what it's like to live. ...and yes, I'm VERY glad that Choppy is my neighbor.
...just a little while longer...
My neighbor's in the hospital, and it's upsetting me very, very much. I really like my neighbor. She's a good woman... a very good woman... a friend.
I just wish that I were more able to help out the people I care for. It hurts me... profoundly... that I cannot do more for them.
C'mon Choppy... it's not your time yet. Don't let it be... please...
Pull through this...
Senioritis
Yeah... I guess that I just don't have anything much to say here anymore.
That's the way, I guess... after a while, you realize that you've said it all already... over and over and over again.
I got some help getting me a bed. I look forward to having a real bed to sleep on. I'm hoping that it'll cut the pain factor down a bit... or something. My spine just ain't what it used to be. Long gone are the days of sleeping on closet floors and using my leather as a pillow on bus seats.
They say that it's "wedging"... my spine. Kyphosis. Whatever you call it, all I know is that sleeping on a bunkie board and kid's foam mattress hasn't felt all too good over the last few years or so. It's what I could afford though, and so I made do.
Yeah... I made good, I suppose. I dealt. I managed. That's just who I am. When the going gets rough? I just inflate my invisiballs with the struggle. Struggle's gotta be good for something.
So... yeah... life goes on... long after the thrill of John Cougar is gone.
Senior Cutter
You know, there were other Cutters before me. My name, this name, has many meanings. That's the way with most things in my life, and so with most of my writing.
Yes, I did feel that the name "Cutter" would work better for me online than I felt "Slasher" would have... but there was a reason why I thought it would. There was a reason why I attributed any respectability at all to the name.
Perhaps, to understand me a little more, you should read the story of he whose name I bear, as much as you should read my own.
Perhaps.
I 1 der
...and so closes out this year's "MS Awareness" week.
I'm pretty fucking aware of it, don't worry about that.
I wonder if they have a Chiari Malformation awareness week.
I wonder if I give a shit about whether or not they do.
I wonder if I'll make it through this hot season without it resulting in killing me.
I sure do wonder a lot.
...gives me something to do, I guess, and at least it's one thing which I'm still able to do. Fun stuff.
Nothing gold can stay.
Well, I re-learned something new over the last few days. Whatever can go wrong, probably already is going wrong. ...or, whatever you think can go wrong probably will, in the end.
I really did try. I had my bad days, but I tried my best to more than overcompensate on the good ones.
That's another re-learned lesson... sometimes, trying your best just isn't good enough.
Lesson re-learned.
Old and Wise
I don't think that I have it in me to do it... to handle it. I guess that I'm just... old.
Yeah... but if I'm truly "wise" I'll be able to figure out a way to keep going anyway.
I'm ok by me.
I'm pretty sure that I've made a decision about the surgery route. I don't think that I'm going to risk it. It's just not something I can do alone, and the bottom line is that I'm alone. I don't know that it's anyone's fault really, but it's the reality.
Everyone has their reasons for being who they are. We can thank or blame our parents, our families, our friends, our communities, our societies, our luck, our gods or even our own selves. It doesn't really matter though. No matter who or what is to thank or blame, the reality is the reality, and that's what we have to work with.
Me? I'm Cutter, and yeah, it's all I've got to work with, but I'm pretty ok with that. I guess maybe it's not so bad being alone now and again, when you get along so well with yourself to begin with.
Years of practice, baby. Years of practice.
MS and Chiari I
So many things are making sense to me now... so many things.
It's rare that I can manage to write all that much anymore, and reading too is slowly but surely becoming more and more... all but impossible. Reading and writing... two things which are at the center of my being.
When I got the MS diagnosis, a lot made sense, and I was simply amazed. As I researched though, and came in (cyber)contact with others diagnosed with MS? Something was still not right. Either I'm the biggest PUSSY to ever have MS, and the most horrible person who ever existed, or MS isn't the main problem.
"MS symptom" after "MS symptom" seemed to be "unique" to me... even Neurodude called me "atypical"... and one symptom after the next I could trace back to having started when I was very, very young ...a baby, in fact.
Now, here I am with this info. I have a Chiari malformation. So, I research it... and day after day I feel like crying (tears of relief), even as I struggle to read ...the "stories" of others with the same thing. Even more so than when I got the MS diagnosis, the Chiari I malformation... IT'S THE LAST PUZZLE PIECE.
Joy. It has made me feel JOY! I finally make sense to myself. It all makes sense. ALL OF IT.
Yes... and then quite a bit of fear. I am getting worse and worse. The only thing which seems to help people with these "malformations" is surgery. Surgery. Fucking BRAIN SURGERY.
Would it be worth the risk? Depending on the day, I'll say "yes" or "no". Worth it or not though, I have no one here. I have no one to help me aside from "RavensWings" ...and this whole surgery thing isn't something a few hours, one day a week, from RavensWings will cover me for.
So, I don't know whether or not to push. I don't know if I should go into my next Neuro appointment and insist that she get moving on hooking me up with another Neuro who knows something more about these malformations. I don't know.
First, they wanted to write it all off as my being "mentally ill". Then, it was all about my having "MPD". Then, it was all about my having "MS". Now, here it is... the beginning of it all. The root of it all. The STEM of it all.
Yes... "The Way Home" indeed.
...and here's the front door. On the other side is Heaven or Hell. It could be either. I DON'T KNOW whether or not to open it.
It really hurts sitting out here on the ground though, and I know that I'm no "pussy" when it comes to pain. So, I best decide soon.
tfuckt, per usual
I've been trying to get in here to post for quite a while, a day or two, maybe, but unfortunately tblog had other ideas about that.
Sorry... I guess.
I'm not dead. Sick as fuck, but not dead.
In other words, nothing's really new.
The Key
So, this month I learned that diuretics actually do help with some of my Chiari symptoms. So, you see, I told you, I was drinking to feel NORMAL.
I'd do just about anything to be able to stop having to use this cane... to see better... and, the pain? THE PAIN???!!! FUCK!!! It has even crossed my mind that I should beg to be allowed to risk one of the Chiari surgeries! More and more, I know that a lot of what ails me is Chiari related, as opposed to MS related. If my problems with balance and walking were MS related, they'd have "resolved" by now, just like a lot of the other MS symptoms did. From what I can tell, my MS symptoms come and go. There are a bazillion lesions, but the symptoms come and go as the lesions appear or resolve. That's why I can see at all. That's why I can feel my hands again.
I need to have these Chiari problems addressed. I need to have a more tolerable life. I need to be able to better deal with the HELL of MS.
Yeah, in this last month I learned that I was indeed born with a lot of this shit. Hopefully, in the next month, I'll learn that there's something I can do about it.
...perchance to awaken.
Yes, there are many, many people in the world who have it a million times worse than I do. I'm aware of this, and it breaks my heart that it's the case. It angers me... infuriates me.
I guess that I just try to "think local" in a way... run my yap about the injustices (aka - "wrongs") I see and experience in my everyday life, as opposed to those many, many going on elsewhere. Maybe, that's the only way I could figure out... the only way I thought I could end up feeling as if I might be making any sort of a positive difference in this world, on any level.
Often though, you can get so lost in the little picture that you neglect to focus on the big one. That can make you seem rather spoiled or heartless... but the same can be said about the big picture too, I guess. Sometimes you get so wrapped up in what's going on elsewhere that you end up letting "your own" continue to suffer.
It's such a tricky line to walk. It's so much easier to just talk about the mundane. It's so much easier to just stay... "blind".
Mystical indeed.
There once was a woman named Terri. She added so much to my life, and to the lives of so many others. A lot of love and a lot of caring poured from her spirit, including towards her Lord, Jesus Christ. She was one of the most beautiful people I've ever met.
It doesn't matter how old Terri would have been. Terri was not all too keen on people knowing her age. It matters though, that today would have been her birthday. It would have been HER DAY.
Breast Cancer took Terri from this world... from me... from all of us.
I would have taken the disease from her... for her, if only she had been able to live in return... to be able to be in her family's life, in the lives of her friends and loved ones, just a while longer.
Please don't ignore diseases. It doesn't matter that you or people you care for don't suffer from them. These diseases, whether it's Cancer or MS or anything else... these diseases NEED to be cured. We're smarter than to let them destroy our lives. We don't need to let them shatter our hearts. We're supposed to be SMARTER than the non-human animals!
I have an idea...
PROVE IT!!!!!!!!! PROVE that you're not a MONKEY!!! DO SOMETHING!!!!!!
My dear friend...
I hope that you're at peace, Terri... that your, perhaps, long night is indeed, at the least, "mystic" indeed.
You'll be loved and remembered, my friend, as long as I can love or remember at all.
About those final questions...
About 6 years ago, I was asked that If I could have 3 questions answered by "God" right before the end of my existence as I know it, what those questions would be. Back then, I answered:
1. What's going to happen to all of my stuff?
2. Was I more evolved, less evolved, or equally evolved when compared to the rest of the people I dealt with in life?
3. Will I be in a great deal of physical pain during the time immediately preceding my death? (Will it hurt?)
Now?
Now, I know that I've already answered most of my questions myself. Be that as it may, I suppose that if I knew that my reality would end in the immediate future, I'd ask myself (aka - "God") the same questions I tend to ask myself almost daily:
1. Was it all worth it?
2. Do you want to let it all go now?
3. Are they worth to you doing it all again for, no matter what the cost?
Maybe in another 6 years I'll be back at a place where I feel like even entertaining the thought of there being a "higher power" who can tell me more about the future, and about the realities of my past and present, than I can already tell myself.
Maybe. Maybe not.
HEAVEN
(This one never gets old.)
A priest, a minister, and a transsexual woman were standing at the pearly gates in front of St. Peter.
First the minister spoke up: “I fed the hungry, clothed the poor, and spread the Word throughout the land.”
St. Peter said unto him: “You have done well on Earth, but you have sinned against your brother. You shall spend seven years in purgatory to atone for those sins you did commit then you shall enter unto heaven.”
The priest spoke up next, “I have done as my brother the minister has, and I have lived a life of sacrifice, humility, and chastity. I have served only God, kept only God’s laws, and I offer my unworthiness to God now.”
St. Peter reviewed his notes and spoke unto the priest. “You have indeed lived a pious life and yet you, too, have sinned. You shall only have to spend one year in purgatory for all have sinned and must atone.”
Next St. Peter turned to the TS and spoke softly, “Go on in dear, they’re waiting for you.”
The Minister and the Priest both protested to St. Peter, “Why in all our piety have we been condemned to purgatory whilst that creature, against whom we preached and whom we chastised, merely passes into heaven?”
St. Peter simply glared at the two and said, “Boys, she’s already been through hell...”
Heath
To you...
my heart, my thanks, and my utmost respect.
Rest in peace.
thanks a million
So many people... so many people who said that they'd "stick by" me and that they really liked reading what I wrote.
Thanks. Your invisibility speaks volumes.
...and THAT is the fucking story of my fucking life...
EVERYONE walks away... right after blowing smoke up my ass.
Those were the days.
The project is getting out of hand... I'm getting way too obsessive... finding more and more which I want to add in.
I wrote this in November of 2000:
In this wonderful society of ours, one of the first questions out of most people's mouths is always, "What do you do?" when they first meet someone. I've always hated that. I hate that a person is judged so quickly by how much money they make.
When you're a kid, "they" tell you that you can be whatever you want to be when you grow up. They never tell you the truth... that not only can't you be whatever you want, but if you want the wrong thing you'll be seen by society as a piece of dirt... and heaven help you if you ever can't hold down a suitable job, then you're just a piece of shit (raised to "dirt" level if you can manage the job of parenthood/homemaker).
From there, I ranted quite a bit on the subject.
My MS Interview
When was my first "flare"? - June of 1983
When was I incorrectly diagnosed? - 1986 (Mental Illness)
How long have I been "disabled"? - Legally, since 1994.
When was I correctly diagnosed? - 2004
What type of MS do I have? - I've been told "Chronic Progressive" and "Progressive Relapsing", but "Secondary Progressive" has also been suggested. I do not go into remission.
Which "drugs" have helped to treat my symptoms even a little? - B12, Atenolol, Testosterone, Cocaine is illegal and so is marijuana, Alcohol, Tobacco, and various pain relievers.
Which drug has most recently had the worst results? - Cymbalta. The pain was excruciating. Although I did almost end up in the ER from Verapamil.
Which MS specific drug therapies have I tried? - None, aside from repeated Solu-Medrol treatments.
Which MS specific drug therapy would I try? - Any which have been proven to work with the progressive forms of MS. Right now, there are none.
Where do I think MS "comes from"? - I think that it's from a combination of genetic and environmental factors.
Do I have any family members who had or currently have MS? - Not that I'm aware of, but it wouldn't surprise me if I found out that some of them did.
Do I have any family assistance in daily life? No. None whatsoever.
Do I have non-family assistance in daily life? I have a friend who helps me out for a few hours a week, picks up my prescriptions, and takes me to doctor's appointments.
What is my most debilitating (seemingly untreatable) symptom? - Paranoia.
What is my "lesion load"? - According to my last Radiologist's report, innumerable.
Do I have any areas where the lesions have "burned through"? - Not that I am aware of.
How was I diagnosed? - MRI and multiple tests, after losing my vision in my right eye because of Optic Neuritis.
Why wasn't I correctly diagnosed sooner? - They judged me by my unconventional appearance and declared me "mentally ill". They ignored my physical symptoms, and helped me to write them off as well by telling me that I was having "body memories" due to past/childhood traumas.
Do I think that MS is going to kill me? - I think that it is highly probable, whether it drives me to suicide or destroys the "wrong" part of my brain, it'll probably be the MS which is the cause of my death.
Has MS ruined my life? - Absolutely, but it had the help of many incompetent health care professionals and uncaring, judgmental family members.
Do I have other diseases or disorders, aside from MS? Yes. I'm diagnosed as having Dissociative Identity Disorder, and a Chiari I malformation has been appreciated by both a Neurologist and a Radiologist.
How can I tell the difference between an MS symptom and a Chiari symptom? Often, I cannot.
Do I think that they will ever find a cure for MS? - Probably not in my lifetime.
What is the one thing which I think most increases the rate of the progression of my MS? - Stress.
Weather or not...
It hit 53° (@ 12° C) here yesterday, and today it's supposed to hit 63° (@ 17° C). Just a few days ago the low was 0° (@ -18° C) and the high was 10° (@ -12° C).
No matter what the reason is that the weather is so funky, I don't think that it can be all too healthy. Not for me, anyway.
Tired of titling things.
7 into 8
Yeah... the "year in review".
I've had worse years. It really sucks that I now track time by the progression of my MS though. What I'll probably remember the most about 2007 is that it was the year during which I went legally blind for a few months, or maybe that it was the year during which the MS went from just making lesions all over my brain to also attacking my spine.
1983 was "The year during which I first experienced a hyper-flare."
1984 was "The year I should have been correctly diagnosed."
1985 was "The year I was sent to a shrink."
1986 was "The year I was locked up for the first time."
1994 was "The year I was told that it was all about my having multiple personalities."
1998 was "The year I was playing in traffic."
2002 was "The year I further hyper-intensified my therapy."
2004 was "The year I was officially diagnosed with MS."
2005 was "The year I had to start using a cane."
2006 was "The year of multiple concussions and suicide attempts."
I could detail all of it, but... that's what the blog's about. This blog, and any of the others. Why? Because way too many people completely fucked up with me on way too many levels. Way too many people had a hand in completely fucking up my life. So, I guess that I'm just hoping that maybe even one person will read my words, and because of doing so, not end up having a hand in fucking up someone else's life.
Yeah, I guess that's all I have to go on.
Happy New Year.
Undead
Yes, I'm alive. I'm focusing more on the new project than just about anything else online right now though. I'm shooting for adding one new entry per day, and so far that's working out. I just hope that I'll be able to continue at this pace.
If all goes according to plan, even my deleted 2004 tblog archives will eventually appear there. It's my "online journey" from the beginning, back in 1999, up until the present day... things I ranted about, mused about, and where all that ranting and musing ended me up along the way, I guess.
I've answered more than my share of questions, some repeatedly. I guess that I figure it can't hurt to re-share some of those answers. If nothing else, it gives people something to "chew on" or laugh at... or otherwise entertain themselves with. Makes me feel a little more like I actually exist, I suppose.
Why?
Because I'm tired of repeating myself, and...
I've actually come to realize that it often takes me a lot more effort not to write than it does for me to write.
I've never been the sort to shy away from that which takes work. Personally, I find that work often brings something into my life which is usually pretty beneficial to me on one level or another.
Perhaps, from my relative silence, I will eventually gain something which is just as beneficial to me as that which I once gained from my loquaciousness.
just perhaps
We're all in this together.
I'm spending most of my online time and energy on the new blog project. It is rather extensive... and more than a little thought provoking for me.
It's not that I "live in the past", it's just that I refuse to disrespect myself by denying my past. I don't want to be another person to not pay attention to me. It's all relative, including time. If my present self ignores my past self, then my present self can end up feeling completely ignored. If I always remember to pay attention to... to love and care for my past self, then I know that I will always have been... that I will always be appreciated by at least one person ...that I will always be #1 to someone.
The same goes for my future self... the way I see it, I try my best every day. We're all trying our best, and we always will. We try for that future self, to make things better for that future self. So, I'm going to be the one to get that baby, that child, that teenager, that young adult, that adult, and (eventually, hopefully?) that senior citizen through the day, because they're back there, or they will eventually be back there doing the same for me... and because no matter where I end up, until I don't exist anymore, I will be able to count on my being there for me.
Social interaction.
It's pretty tough to write online about all of the people in one's life, when all but one of those people exist in one's life only online.
Could you constantly say exactly what was on your mind about the people in your life directly to the people in your life? How many friends or family members do you think would still stick around for more?
That was more of a rhetorical question, but it might be something for people to think on. Just how honest are you? How genuine? Is your "God" the only one who really knows you? Is your "God" the only one you think is forgiving enough for you to open up to?
...just something to chew on.
just so you know
I don't know that I'm going to be opening up this blog to comments from non-tblog people ever again, at this point. It's just too much for me to have to worry about.
I have some links on the right hand side of my page. Perhaps, clicking on one of them in particular will help you to find me, should you not be completely over reading my words.
I'm not leaving tblog entirely, but until it becomes less stressful for me to handle, I'm going to be pretty scarce.
Any day now...
Somehow
Bunny is nagging me to write about this, so I will. Not that it's an easy thing to do, between tblog being all but impossible still, and me just not wanting to think on it too much.
30 years ago today was probably a day like any other that week for me, but 30 years ago I was about to have a night that would leave a tattoo on my memory, and Bunny with a tail other than the one he was born with.
In the middle of the night, technically the 7th, Bunny and I found out what it was like to go through a fire.
...but, 30 years have passed somehow, and we're still here, like it or not.
Damn has this ever been one hell of a trip though.
It all sucks.
12:45pm
Less and less it is that I've been able to do things, even deal with the Internet. My comments will probably start being turned off to non-tblog members a lot more often, and my posting may become even more infrequent. I'm really sorry.
It's now after 1pm. It took tblog that long to let me post this. This is not stress I need in my life.
2K thoughts
Another day, another grumble.
Damn hot water's been off all day... pisses me off. I'm a bit of a compulsive hand washer, and I like to keep anything I make dirty, clean, when I can. (Wish I could remember the correct punctuation for that last sentence.)
Hopefully it'll be on by tomorrow morning. I'm due for a shower.
It's snowing now. That does make me smile. Nessie and I might step out onto the walkway to catch a few flakes. After that, it's into the bed I go though. Bunny wants to watch TV.
still here
It's not that I don't want to write. I do. It's not about lack of want, not with writing and not with most other things either. The want is there, it's the ability that's lacking... that's waning.
I got through November. The year will soon come to a close. Do I think that I'll make it through another year? I want to say, "yes."
It's not for lack of want.
