Eyes sewn shut
09.29.06 (2:56 pm) [edit]
I guess that I'm a little preoccupied. Been thinking on a few things I read on other people's blogs recently, and about the realities of my own life.
Funny... in the not so nice sense of the word... funny how people are now complaining about living in fear. Funny how those of us who have been living in fear for the majority of our lives, if not our entire lives... those of us who were complaining about it before and who were written off as paranoid, etc., etc... Funny how no one stops and remembers that pointing finger... the one they were pointing at people like us... Funny how now many people still don't get it. Funny how despite the fact... despite having a taste of what its like... funny that many people are still terrorizing or helping to terrorize other people anyway.
Ah... my grammar and punctuation. I'm not mastering that too well today. I'm not managing to get the point out that I want to make.
I don't think that very many people who aren't transsexual or intersexed would get it or care too much anyway. I have no clue why I'm even bothering to try, at the moment.
Maybe I'm just having flashbacks of the last time, a little over a year ago, a doctor asked me, "So, what are you?"
My answer was, "A human being."
...but at the moment, I don't know how proud I am to call myself such.
posted by: MattBlack (reply)
post date: 09.29.06 (2:52 pm)
I just had the unpleasant (to say the least) experience of resigning from an MS board because there was an out-of-control homophobe ranting there, and the owner refused to rein him in. I'm anti-censorship, but a few things cross the line for me.
Anyway, I tried for a long time to get the owner to see that what was happening was hate speech, directed at a group of people who have every reason to live in fear. To no avail, so I left.
"A human being." Absolutely.
posted by: Cutter (reply)
post date: 09.29.06 (4:04 pm)
I've learned that people with MS are still people. Too, GLBT people are still people. ...and people, generally speaking, are ASSHOLES. (I don't care if I have to include myself as one either. It's just the truth.)
posted by: basild (reply)
post date: 09.30.06 (6:16 am)
These days I tend to have a somewhat kinder view of people than I used to, but when I worked retail, dealing with the public every day, I thought "y'know, people suck. *All* people." Getting out of retail was A Good Thing. ;)
posted by: nexy (reply)
post date: 09.30.06 (9:47 am)
hmmm, i like to think i'm still a human being, and proud to think of myself that way. there are way too few of us left here on earth. no, being a human is still a good thing - it's just a shame so many are no longer human beings...
posted by: Cutter (reply)
post date: 09.30.06 (10:04 am)
After I saw my MRI pictures, I think that I stopped believing that I was the advanced one. Apparently, I'm the one whose brain is broken.
I miss that delusion. It kept me alive for decades. Now? *shrugs* I'm just damaged, and the delusion shattered.
posted by: lindy (reply)
post date: 09.30.06 (3:41 pm)
Okay, seriously.. I want the name of that doctor. I SO have a letter to write to his boss. Pardon me for being derogatory here, but... what the hell?!?!?!!!
posted by: Cutter (reply)
post date: 09.30.06 (4:58 pm)
Reply to: lindy
Somethings are just better to (be able to) walk away from. I've had to do it a few times, unfortunately. Not much choice.
The guy with the degree, the title, and the initials after his name always wins. The guy (or whatevr the fuck you want to call IT) with the psych history always loses.
There's more to it than that even, but... I'd rather not think too hard on the experiences.
posted by: Cutter (reply)
post date: 09.30.06 (5:51 pm)
Reply to: lindy
p.s. - I hope that you don't think that I'm brushing you off. I do appreciate the concern.
That question was offensive, the rest of the office visit only got worse. Although, I'd had previous experiences with doctors which were even worse than that one was.
I just have trouble talking about it all... going into detail. The rage is just a little too deep.
Sometimes there just isn't enough beer to block everything out.
posted by: nexy (reply)
post date: 09.30.06 (6:41 pm)
well, it would seem we share the "broken brain" syndrome. though apparently, the version of "broken" assigned to me differs from the one assigned to you. fortunately, my assigned version only results in physical pain when i jump through the necessary hoops to have people inflict said pain upon me. and for the time being, i think i'm pretty much done with that part. of course, the anguish and rage is pretty constant. though according to my current shrink, i bring that on myself too. it would seem, i'm a glutton for punishment. perhaps, a symptom of the break.
posted by: nexy (reply)
post date: 09.30.06 (6:44 pm)
oh, and i've found that there is enough gin or vodka to dull the pain significantly for me. i think i've hit my first year anniversary during which i've not gone through one day without getting myself into a drunken stupor.
posted by: Cutter (reply)
post date: 09.30.06 (7:04 pm)
*sighs*
cheers.
posted by: lindy (reply)
post date: 10.01.06 (5:48 am)
I hear you. And I respect it. I certainly don't want to dredge up what might be better sleeping. But man, I sure would love to kick that guy's butt. You just don't say that to people. And if you even think it, you're a wanker.
posted by: Cutter (reply)
post date: 10.01.06 (7:10 am)
Reply to: lindy
With a title, there are many things you can do. In fact, in court, you can say just about anything was "medically necessary" and have it OKed. ...and if there isn't legal precedent, there are many things you cannot sue a doctor for because no one will take the case.
It's amazing, the places they have to see, touch, and slide their fingers into in order to write you a prescription for something you've been taking for years.
I think that's all I'm going to say about that.
posted by: lindy (reply)
post date: 10.01.06 (7:15 am)
AAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!
posted by: nexy (reply)
post date: 10.01.06 (12:42 pm)
"It's amazing, the places they have to see, touch, and slide their fingers into in order to write you a prescription for something you've been taking for years."
damn, that was well said. and frankly, i think that's all that need be said about that.
posted by: Cutter (reply)
post date: 10.01.06 (12:47 pm)
Again, Nexy...
Cheers.
posted by: ggirl (reply)
post date: 10.02.06 (8:20 am)
You know, I find it astounding that physicians could fail to see the fact that gender and sexuality are, just like everything else, a continuum. I just don't understand why that's so hard to get.
A couple of years ago, I spent a significant amount of time reading things written by people who had their gender "assigned" by doctors when they were babies. The harm that's done to people is a tragedy that is still secret to most people. The word "Nazi" comes to mind.
I'm sorry for your experiences with moronic human beings, especially human beings whose education gives them enormous power over you. Me being sorry, though, doesn't do much to help you. I hope you feel better soon.
posted by: Cutter (reply)
post date: 10.02.06 (8:30 am)
Reply to: ggirl
I guess that I said more in my comments to this entry than I did in the actual entry.
There is no "feeling better" with something like this, and I know that you (very unfortunately) know that. You never REALLY heal, you just live in fear... and try your best to protect yourself from it ever happening again. My recent need for more doctors in my life... to say nothing of the trips to the ER, or what happened this past May which involved the police (they can do whatever they want to as well)...
...anyway... I can't do therapy for it anymore. I have no way to get to a therapist's office. I've done the thinking... there is NO WAY for me to do the therapy.
sucks to be me.
well... except for that I get to have the support of caring people like you. ;)
