Don't Give Up

(PLEASE NOTE! This writing is from 1994!!!)

(1/22) 12:05 AM
    & nbsp; On the 34. Realizing just how thick these walls actually are. Realizing just what is back there. I can't just drop them, it'd kill me, or drive me insane. The walls are there for a reason, to protect me. How can I protect myself without them? Yes, I know that they have to come down, but how do I deal?
    & nbsp; Father, I've served you well for a very long time, and I will continue to do so. Things will change though, they have to.
    & nbsp; Feeling scared. feeling very scared. I'll continue writing at Duck Soup. I need a cigarette really badly. Precious nicotine.
12:35
    & nbsp; Duck Soup. O.K. Step one - figure out what these walls are constructed of, how they work. What parts are necessary, what parts create unhealthy temperence.
    & nbsp; Drugs. Alcohol. Sleep. Shut down. Obsession. Promiscuity. - The Wall
    & nbsp; Pain. Violence. Depression. Love. Anger. Hurt. Masochism. Rage. Despair. Insanity. Trust. Honesty. - Behind the Wall.
    & nbsp; When did the wall start forming. 5th grade I think. Hm, in years? 1979 - age 10 or 11. What happened then? Remembering S___'s pen knife, slicing my face. Why. Desire to feel pain? Desire to make myself ugly? Fear? Of whom? S___?
    & nbsp; J_____ - the waiter - is joking around with me. He's such a queen. Soup, salad, and coffee are here. Will try to eat and write at the same time.
    & nbsp; There is an intense feeling of trauma, of fear, in letting these walls crumble. D___. She was right in the height of it. She helped me to seal the walls up. Still pain there. I've turned her into a goddess, a symbol. Firstly, I must put her where she belongs. Many times I've tried, many times I've thought that I had. O.K. knowing there's still pain there is a start. Must figure out what happened there. B.G. - used him as a safe outlet for love. H______ - transferred love to her. D___. Discovery. Acid created intensity of feeling, intensity of ability to love. Increased need to feel. Increased feeling of torment. I did love D___. Intensely. She provided a safe haven from my torment even though she added to it. Make sense? T/D___. D___ tormented. T sheltered.
    & nbsp; People filtering in to the restaurant. Almost 1 AM. Soup still too hot despite the chill from the door opening.
    & nbsp; Can I ever drink again? Can I break the alcoholism? I hope so. I want to. To most of the world, recovery from alcoholism means not drinking. For me, it means being able to drink.
    & nbsp; J___ will be here in a hour and a half. Happy. J______ is a good thing, not part of the wall, only present for its being dismantled. Will be hard. Can she put up with me through this process? Is it too much to ask? Can I accomplish this without driving her crazy? She has a degree in Psych. Maybe that will help her to understand. Maybe not. Maybe I should just do my best not to involve her. Then again, as close as we already are, that might not be possible. If she were having a crisis, an ongoing one, how would I handle it? Hm. I'd be there for her. I'd do my best to help. I'd have to be careful not to let it bring me down or distract me from my own issues.
    & nbsp; Finished eating. Need more coffee. Feet are frozen.
    & nbsp; Should I continue reading Vol. II? No. I'll wait. I've read enough already for now. Tonight I'll re-read it with J______. So frightening, what's behind this wall. Looking back, reading what I wrote, makes me see it. Therapy. This journal sharing, that's what it is I guess. No shrinks, no drug counselours, no alcohol rehabs or AA meetings, no institutions, just me, my girlfriend and 10 years of writing. My writing, her writing, my strength, her strength. Will we become healthy people after all of this. Will the walls collapse. We both have them. Is leaning on each other healthy? It took 14 years to construct these walls, it probably won't happen overnight.
    & nbsp; Place is filling up. Door keeps opening. Very cold outside. Sidewalks and streets are still solid sheets of ice. Long winter.
    & nbsp; 1:15 AM
    & nbsp; Thinking that maybe I should read. Force myself to deal. To feel. Need not to shut down. Internal struggling going on. Think of J______ asleep this morning. We still sleep wrapped up together. Seperate yet together. She fills my world somehow. Not a space inside, but a place inside. A place that is only emptied by loving, and only filled by love. She's not the source of my happiness, she strengthens the happiness that already exists.
    & nbsp; I love what I have become. Walls included. I'll love what I will become after the walls fall down. Taking the walls away will allow me to feel my happiness more intensely. Yes, the torment and the pain will also be more intense, but somehow, somehow I'll find a way to preserve myself. Until I figure it out I'll cut or burn or punch if I have to, as long as I know that I'm working towards finding an alternative I'll be o.k.
    & nbsp; More people coming in. Shit. I'm hoping that I won't be asked to give up my table. Need to write. O.K. moved to a smaller table. She'll be here in an hour or so.
    & nbsp; How much more can I analyze here? I doubt much. I'll go back to reading Vol. II Maybe I'll be back.
    & nbsp; "Don't give up" Juke Box. Pain. Unexplainably intense. Good lord this hurts.
    & nbsp; Let me smoke in her room, after we smoked in her room. Remember that night, how it blew everything with A_____ and I.
    & nbsp; Waiting for J___. So happy that I can feel love for someone again. Despite the price. I want to sit and write about her. About those stars, remember, the ones I saw with D___. They're still there. She helped me find them again.

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