The Toy Surprise

Jan 27
      At J______'s apartment. In writing mode. I can feel a blast coming on, but I'm not sure if I want to write in here or in another book. I guess that it would make sense to just write in here.
      I sort of tired, it may make even more sense to just to take a nap.
      I'm up to June '89 in my reading to J___. It fels odd having someone know so much about me. Even in our conversations I tell her things I've never told anyone - not even in this book.
      I keep shutting down, attempting to keep the walls in place. Listening to 'The Wall' The tape - appropriately enough - is warped. Talking with J___ last night - songs from the album kept popping in to my head. Walls. Don't know whether to vegetate or write. Allow myself to keep feeling. Feel myself loving this woman, feel this woman's love for me.
Eyes closed rocking back and forth, back and forth in time with the music.
      Daddy's gone  'cross the ocean
       Leaving just a memory
      A snapshot in the family album
      Daddy what else did you leave for me
       Dad what'd you leave behind for me...

      Feel feel feel. Head spins, looks for a place to hide, trying to make bricks. Alcohol - want to drink - feel feel feel.
      D___ J______ L___ C______ C_____ C____ Mom S___ A__ S___ R_____ - sister. Big wall, protecting me from her memory.
         Helicopters
         Drum beats
        Stare at blank page
Write god damn you.
         Institutions
         Medications
         Rivers of blood
          Scream
     All in all it's just another brick in the wall
Light a cigarette
         Acid spiral
         Nights spent puking vodka
          Speeding speeding
      Brain increasing thoughts per second
 Violence
  Suicide
   Homicide
    Masochist
     Misogynist
      Neo nazi
         No more pain it said

      Mother should I build a wall
         Innocent child
          ruined
         Accelerated maturity
What's behid the glass that covers my eyes
      She won't let you fly but she might let you sing
       Of course mother's gonna help build the wall
Evil mind
Satan with the eyes of a child
      Holes, thousands of holes
         Nothing but holes
      Fish - dead
         eyes glassy
         mouths open
Mother did it need to be so high.
      Slice and bleed
      Slash and bleed
         No more tears
         No more pain
      Burnt flesh
         Holes in skin
          No more pain - it said
See in your eyes - my pain
      Your eyes
       burning holes into me
        Love
         Waiting Tempting
             Arrived

But the pain lingers on
   Goodbye blue sky
      Goodbye
      Goodbye
         Marching
         Boots clicking
         Black and dangerous
          Strength
           fear
       ...Click click click
What shall we use to fill the empty spaces
      when we used to talk
How should I fill the final places
      How should I complete the wall
            The wall is complete now.
         It's safe in here
         ...Scared...
         Can't see out
         No blue sky
         No light
How did she get in here
How did she get the key
     Her pain
Pain is the key
   Pain is the key
      Intensity
Only some can see through the glass
      Which covers the eyes

Telephone line
   Give me
      Give me...
         Wanna take a bath
      Building
         Building
            Are you feelin' o.k.?
      Like skin on a dying man
      Cold as a razor blade
      Dry as a funeral drum
         favorite axe
         Just a passing phase
            One of my bad days
      Breaking glass
         Why are you running away
Poetry
Poetry
   Collected words thoughts explosions
      Read between the lines
   Dare you to see through
      ooo babe don't leave me now
   Feel feel feel
      Anger Pain Hurt Fear
         Tripping Spiral Waves
Loss of control
 Burning soul
  Running away
      Why are you running away

Tired. Eyes heavy. Trying to shut down
      Preserve the wall
I don't need no arms around me
And I don't need no drugs to calm me
I have seen the writing on the wall
Don't think I need anything at all
      No
Don't think I need anything at all
      Wall wall wall
      Feel feel feel
Goodbye goodbye goodbye
   Who is she
   Where did she come from
      How is this happening
   Brick dust
      Falling bricks
         Blinding light from the empty spaces
            Why now?
   It's all there - me - in her
      She within me
   Intensity
      Creation of being
   Must sleep
   It's all too fast
             too loud
             too painful
             too real