not to anyone specific

I've been trying to do some serious thinking lately; more serious than usual. I'm not doing well, but I'm never doing well. Getting better happens... every now and again, for about an hour or so. Usually, I push myself way too hard during those times. I get my hopes up, I suppose.

Deciding to do that 1994 project was not entirely a mistake, but I think that attempting to continue it beyond this point would be. My sense of time is pretty warped, and it doesn't help me to stay present to have to focus on problems which existed 13 years ago. My feeling obligated to  explain everything it took me a lifetime to figure out, in order to avoid a windfall of questions? It's a lose-lose situation for me. It drains from the energy I have on hand for handling my current problems; the ones I'm trying to deal with now.

I'm very angry about a lot of what has happened on this blog over the last month. I'm very angry about the state of my life, which I'm powerless to change. I'm very angry about the state of the world, which I am also powerless to change.

I started this blog as a place to go when I needed to vent, and scream at the universe. This is not a place for me to run around tossing out rays of sunshine and happiness. If people want sunshine and happiness, they can go elsewhere, or they can start a blog of their own.

YOU cannot solve my problems. I have 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, and Internet access, and I can apply my rather intelligent brain to solving my own problems. What the hell makes any of you think that you can spend an hour or two on one of my problems and find the fucking answer?

ok... calming down...

I got a really shitty deal when I was born, and the shit kept coming after that, right up until this very moment. That's just life. I know this. I've done my best to make it through, and to be the best person I can be. Part of what enabled me to make it this far was writing. It was and still is an "outlet" for me. It's "somewhere I can go and talk about" wanting to shit down people's throats, rather than actually doing so.

Offline? I'm probably one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet. You'll not see too much of the "Cutter" you know and love to hate offline. Not that I don't have a temper, and not that I don't often get mouthy when I feel pushed, but as long as the MS isn't eating away at just the wrong spot, if our paths cross it's more likely that you'll be smiling after we meet than wanting to throw shit at my head.

I'm not here to argue with people. I'm not here to defend my entire life, and I'm not even here enrich yours. To me, this is my blog. This is not a "community" space. I don't owe anyone anything, unless I am in their space. This isn't a chat room or a message board.

I know that people are reading. I know that people want to help. That makes me feel good. If I have a specific problem which I need help with though, I am very direct when it comes to asking for that help. I don't beat around the bush or manipulate when I need something. That is not what my venting is all about. 

My rants are for "pressure release" and my musings are tossed out in case someone else can get something positive from them. That's all.

All that said... I appreciate your caring. I appreciate your letting me know that you do care. I care about you too. All of you.